My Fucking Mess Of A Life

Empty.

It was cold. I couldn't feel my fingers anymore and when I looked at them, they were red at the tips while the rest of my hand was sickly pale. It should have hurt, but it didn't. I had shut them out. All of them. My emotions and feelings. Physical or other, I had blocked them all out. My goal wasn't to shut out the physical, but it was either all or nothing. I went with all. If I hadn't I would still be crying my eyes out right now. Instead I feel empty. I don't feel anything. I don't feel happy or sad or angry or hurt. Just empty. I had to. The images and sounds kept attacking my mind and each one felt like a kick to the stomach or a knife to the heart. "You blew it." Kick. "You screwed it up again." Stab. "Everyone in this family is against you." Gunshot. That one hurt the most. With each memory my mind brought up, a new wave of tears would run down my face. Some memories were old, by years even. Some were more recent, by just a few months or minutes. I couldn't take it. I had to shut them out, or I might've never stopped crying. I looked at my hands again. The skin was starting to get dry and would soon crack from the cold. Any cuts or bruises I had were bright purple against my now snow white hands. My tears had dried and I couldn't feel anything anymore. I checked the time. 5:26. I had to be home by 5:30. I got up from the swing and started walking home, knowing I would be skipping dinner or eating away from everyone. I would be going to sleep, wishing I would never have to wake up ever again just so I didn't have to go through this anymore. Just so that I wouldn't have to force myself to always be empty.

I. J. 3/3/17

A/n. This one is a bit shorter, but that's mainly because the first one was about kind of being overcome with too many emotions and feelings and not knowing what to do and how to sort it all out and it basically described almost everything that was going on in my head. This one is kind of the complete opposite, though, as here I just shut them all out and didn't allow myself to feel anything at all. Because of that, there isn't much to describe and talk about so it's shorter. I'm not apologizing because I don't make these for anybody reading, I make these for myself and because it helps me. If you happen to connect with it or get something out of it them great. I'm sorry because I wouldn't wish something like this on anyone, but I'm happy that it helped in some way. Once again, this is all real, any and all problems you have with the content, know that this is my own personal experience, I don't speak for anyone else. If you have something to say about the content, please either let me know in a kind and calm way or if you feel that you can't express it I'm such ways, please keep it to yourself. I can't make you, but I can ask politely. Any problems with grammar and the way it's written, once again please let me know in a kind and calm way. If you don't think you can, please keep to yourself. I hope you're having a better day than I obviously did. Thank you for reading and goodbye.