My Fucking Mess Of A Life

I can't.

I never thought I would do it. It was such an over used cliche and I was always too scared of the pain, but I did it. I have fresh cuts, I have the ones on my shoulder that have become so normal to me that I've lost count, and I have four very small cuts in a new place. My wrist. I had had the worst day imaginable in terms of my depression. I felt weak and tired, like I just wanted to stop doing anything. I also felt like I wanted to cry and scream, but I couldn't. It was stuck in my throat, unable to come out. Inside my head I heard screams of desperation and agony at the fact that I couldn't let anything out. It's bad enough that I have to endure a virtually never ending onslaught of self loathing and insults provided to me by my own mind, but at least I've always been able to cry when I needed or wanted to. Now, though, I couldn't. It was caged inside of me. My head started to hurt a bit from all the screaming going on in there. I felt so helpless, like I was trapped inside my own body, no way of ever knowing if I would ever be able to be free. I tried all day, at random, to see if I could cry, but it wouldn't happen. I was at the end of my rope and I was desperate. I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I tried it. I took one of my sharpest blades and lightly dragged it across my wrist until I had very shallow cut a few centimeters long, small beads of blood forming. I made three more and stopped. I wiped the blood off and put back on my watch. It covered them but just to be safe in case it moved, I switched the rubber bands from my right to left hand. They stung. The ones on my shoulder I had become so familiar with didn't hurt very much anymore, and if they did, the pain didn't bother me. The ones on my wrist though, I was new to. They stung a lot and for quite awhile. I went down stairs to eat supper and that's when it started. The twitching. It happens sometimes after I cry or have a panic attack or anything like that. I put up some water for pasta and instead of going to sit on the couch with my phone like I normally would, I paced in circles around the island in the middle of my kitchen. I was trying to think of something to stop the twitching. I don't know why or how it came to my mind, but I suddenly placed the second knuckle from the nail of my left hand pointer finger in my mouth so that the nail was still out but the knuckle was in, and bit down. It helped. My head stopped twitching to the side and my body wasn't shaking so much. I wasn't sure if it was the biting down on something that helped or the pain in my finger that helped, but either way it worked. I started pushing my teeth down and biting harder. I paced around, waiting my water to boil. I had Melanie Martinez's million men on repeat in the background just to help distract my mind. I like that song. For some reason it calms me down. Maybe it's the guitar and how that's the only instrument there is so my mind isn't split focusing on multiple sounds at once, maybe it's her voice, soft and soothing that even when raised loud, still sounds light. Or maybe it's the words. Maybe for some twisted reason, hearing a song about illegal underage sex slave trades makes me feel better. It could be that the dark lyrics contrast amazingly to the soft voice singing them. I don't know. I don't like that it calms me down. I feel like that means I'm insane, even more so than currently. No normal person would be calmed by a song like that, yet I am. It worries me. I tried taking my knuckle out of my mouth when I thought I had calmed down but a few seconds later the twitching came back. I put it back and repeated this a few times until my food was ready. I couldn't bite my knuckle while eating so I sat there twitching. My sister came down and saw. She asked if I was cold. I said no. She asked again a few minutes later. I didn't want her to ask again so I said it happens when I get upset and told her to let it go. She did. She doesn't do well with this stuff. I can't blame her. I can barely handle it myself and I'm the one it's happening to. I finished eating and went to sit on the couch reading. Eventually my twitching stopped. My mom came home late since she was at some family thing. She tried to hug me but I flinched away. I told her I didn't want to be touched right now. She understood as we'd talked about this at the therapist. Sometimes I just didn't want to be touched if I was having a bad day. She went up and I stayed down there for awhile. When I finally went up, it was quite late. I was used to it. My insomnia has been worse than ever lately. I'm lucky to get 5 hours when my usual is about 2 or 3. It's hell. One of my only escapes was sleeping. I drifted off and didn't have to deal with anything, my thoughts or tears or anything else and it's been taken from me. Even when I do manage to sleep, I wake up at every noise. I used to sleep so deeply, I slept through helicopters right above my house. Now I wake up if it rains too much or the wind is too loud or even if my posters rustle just slightly. All I want is to sleep, but I can't. I sometimes feel like crying but I can't. I want to find a way to deal with my depression that doesn't involve cutting, but I can't.
I wish I could just be normal,
but I can't.
5/21/17

A/n: Yes, I am aware that the date on here doesn't match the date it was published. I didn't finish it until today. I've been working and dealing with other stuff that coincidentally are going to be the next two chapters. So yeah. Also, bitch I can write when I want and publish when I want! My depression, my story, my time! You got a problem go take it up with someone who gives a fuck because the number of fucks I have to give is less than zero. If this seems kinda mean, I'm not happy atm so Ima be as salty as the tears on my face.