My Fucking Mess Of A Life

Gone.

It's too much. I don't want to go. I'm scared. School starts tomorrow and I don't know what to do. It's a new school. I'm not going to know anyone. That's never happened to me before. I've always known someone at school. I don't know anyone here. It's a public school. I've never been to a public school. I'm terrified. I'm fine not being in school. I'm less sad when I'm not in school. When I'm in school, people expect things. They expect certain grades, stories of friends, everything. I can't handle that. I can't have people expecting things because what happens when I let them down? It's going to happen, I'm going to let them down. I can barely keep my own head normal yet I'm going to be expected to keep a high grade average. It's bad enough I'm going to a public school. My mom has told me many times in the past she doesn't want me going to a public school, yet here I am, going to a public school. I'm disappointing people before I've even begun. That's just my whole life. If I wasn't so fucked up I would be going to a yeshiva like she wants and she'd be happy. Instead, because I'm so fucked up, I'm going to a special therapy school that's technically a public school since it's government owned and funded. I just don't want to do anything. I want to stop everything. I stopped taking my antidepressants because I don't deserve happiness. It's true. I don't deserve happiness if I'm just causing pain to others, especially those I care about. I don't like the pain but I don't deserve the happiness. I just want death. That is the best thing I can think of right now. My sister's leaving again. She's decided to move to Israel because she loved it so much. She's leaving when I need her most. I'm going to a new school and in a few months I'm switching to another new school. I can't blame her, she won't have to put up with me anymore. I want to tell someone. I want to tell someone that I've stopped taking my meds but I can't. If I tell them, they'll either force me to and I don't deserve happiness or they'll switch me to a new medication and I don't want that either. They said that most antidepressants cause weight gain but the one I'm on doesn't. I don't want them switching me to one that does. I'm fat enough already. They're also going to asked why I stopped them and if I tell them I don't deserve happiness, it's just going to make things worse. I just need to pretend. Hide the pills I do have and one day hopefully, I'll have enough to get rid of me for good. I already have some saved. I have two full bottles of clonidine, I have something that starts with a z, and I have two full bottles of antidepressants. I don't know when I'm going to do it, but I'm sure that I will. My happiness never lasts. I just want something that will that isn't so painful. Death lasts forever and nothing can hurt as much as this does.

9/6/17

I haven't done an authors note in awhile. The writing style of this is a bit different to the other ones but that's because the other ones are usually written after the thing happened. I wrote this just now and it's currently happening and this is just a small peak inside my head at this very moment. It's not like I'm describing a panic attack after it happened, this is all real time. Yeah.
I fucking hate life!