My Fucking Mess Of A Life

Fake.

I didn't believe them. I couldn't believe them. Whenever they said they loved me or they cares about me and they'd miss me. They only said it to keep me around. My friends know I'm suicidal and they're willing to say anything if it means keeping me alive. I don't like that. Tonight made me realize that. We had just finished seeing a movie and we were hanging out with some slightly drunk guy we met in the theater and his sober friend. We went to 711 and I bought gummy bears. The drunk guy took them and started feeding them to me. It was weird but also kind of nice. He kept saying I was awesome even though he didn't know me. It made me happy. When we left my friends all said he was weird. I agreed but I still thought it was nice of him to say those things. It made me realize something. I don't really take to heart anything nice my friends say about me. It's because I know they're just saying it to make me feel better or to keep my from hurting myself. I don't like that. I want them to say it because that's just what they want to say. They never said these things before I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It hurt to know that that was the only reason they say these things but its true. That's why I took some random drunk strangers words to heart. He meant them. He wasn't trying to make me feel better or anything, he just said that because that's what he thought of me. I was happy with that. The fact that it took me almost dying for my friends to start saying nice things to me hurts. It just proves how much better things would be without me. My friends wouldn't have to worry about trying to keep me happy all the time if I wasn't here.

9/20/17

An: I just found this and realized I forgot to post it. Here you go.