My Fucking Mess Of A Life

The Bad Guy.

It wasn't supposed to get that bad. It was just supposed to be listening to the song, relating to it, that's it. I should have known it was going to go bad, it always does. I couldn't help when the tears started to flow from my eyes and my thoughts started racing through my head. I started mumbling about everything I had done wrong. My voice grew and grew until I was screaming into thin air, yelling about all the things I had ever done wrong and why I was causing everyone trouble. I still wasn't in school and it was harder on my mom than ever. I didn't want this. I hate it. If I could choose to do it over, I would stop all of this. I started hyperventilating and clutching my legs. I needed to calm down but I didn't know how. I couldn't control my breathing. Whenever I tried to slow it down, it would just stop completely and when I tried to start up again, it was just as fast as before, if not faster. One thought flashed through my brain that stuck out to me. Pain. Pain is grounding, pain helps you focus on something other than your thoughts and it was what I needed in that moment. I couldn't make it to my blades, they were all the way up stairs. I settled with the next best thing. I grabbed my arms and started digging my nails in, dragging them up and down until my arms were red and raw and burning. It took a few minutes, but my breathing evened out fairly quick now that my mind had something else to focus on. I stared at my arms, completely numb to everything but the burning. "You did this to yourself" I thought. I say there for 3 minutes just staring at the lines I had dug into myself. I finally got up and laid some wet towels on my arms to stop the burning but I could still feel the ghost of my nails digging in. I was horrified at myself. At what I have become. I didn't want this and I wish I could change it. I wish I could get rid of myself and give everyone the lives they deserve. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of hurting people. I'm sick of being the bad guy.

9/17/17 3:40 am

An: the song I was listening to is The Bad Guy (oh hey it's the chapter name, I wonder why!) From the play Ultimate Storytime by Thomas Sanders, the song is sung by JayisJo. I'm not sure exactly who wrote it, it might be Joan since they seem to have a gift when it comes to songwriting. Awesome soundtrack, go check it out. It's not on YouTube but I found it on sound cloud. Shh don't tell anyone!