My Fucking Mess Of A Life

Scared.

I didn't know exactly why I was crying. I just was. I couldn't stop. Yesterday afternoon, I had been reading a story on my phone when the something started attacking me. I heard my sister get out of the shower. I had to get in. I grabbed my towels and my phone and headed to the bathroom. I locked the door and started running the water so it could get warm and to myself some time. I quickly stripped and looked myself over, my eyes catching on all the flaws I saw. There were many. I took out my blade and made many fast cuts. I assumed that they were deeper than any other time because the blood came quicker than usual. When I finally decided it was enough, I got into the shower, the water washing the blood away and stinging the fresh wounds. I started washing my hair and I couldn't help but think about how gross I was. I felt gross and dirty and disgusting. I washed my hair with shampoo twice and used a lot more than usual. I did the same with the conditioner. I poured more body wash than needed onto the loofa and started vigorously scrubbing my arms. It burned when I went over the cuts but I didn't lighten my movements. When I washed all the soap off, I was red from pressing so hard. I still felt gross but I had to get out. Other people needed the bathroom. I got out and got dressed, shaking the entire time. While I was getting dressed, I could hear two of my sisters and my mom talking and laughing downstairs. 'They'd be better off without you.' I had to hold back a sob. I had cried too much today. I went downstairs and greeted with a compliment about my hair. 'They're lying, it's gross.' I curled up on the couch and sat quietly. My father came down and they all sat talking for a bit more before we moved to the table. I was quiet. I barely ate anything at all. Just some soup. A few times, I had to hold back tears. At one point I retired to my room where I sat reading a story. It was about human trafficking and a boy who was beaten into obedience. His new master is kind but he refuses to trust him as he's been through this before. They act kind just so they can break him. He was afraid of punishment and his new master and just wanted death. I felt scared but I couldn't figure out why. At some point, it hit me. I was a slave. I was a slave to myself, to the something that resides within my mind. I'm afraid of punishment and wish for death. Anytime things seem to be getting better, the something makes it worse than it was before. It finds things wrong in everything I do and punishes me until I've learned my lesson. I started crying. I didn't want to live like this. This was horrible. I cried for a long time until I fell asleep. One thought drifted through my head the entire time. This thought is what made me weird. It separated me from other people and made me want to die. It wasn't something I could get over with meds or even therapy. No one could understand this. I was a freak. I couldn't stop it.
I was scared of myself.

4/8/17