My Fucking Mess Of A Life

Drunk.

It started with him calling me a fuck up. It escalated very quickly from there. It started with glasses but soon it was about everything. My messed up education, my inability to do anything right, my dependency on my parents, etc. None of it even made sense. I told myself that I was supposed to depend on my parents because I'm only 15, but somehow his words still hit me hard, making me feel like I had done something wrong. I waited until he went up and I texted my mother I was leaving. She asked when I would be home. I told her I didn't know and I didn't care. My sister told me to be careful. She had heard the whole thing. She was sitting in the same room when it happened. I didn't say anything, I just left. I was at the park for about 40 minutes before I came home. It was then that I made a decision. I didn't want to keep hearing his words in my head. I didn't want to feel or remember anything. I grabbed the vodka and a shot glass. It took 6 shots for me to become properly drunk. I was stumbling around and giggling, not remembering why I was happy. I texted some friends. They were all very worried. I was happy. I told them how much I loved them. They told me to get some water. I talked to them for about two hours before I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning feeling horrible. I found puke in my trash and I remembered I had work. I didn't want to go but I did. I had let down enough people as it was. I spent the morning feeling like shit, but despite that I realized that if given a second chance, I would probably do it all again. It helped. I forgot. I was happy and laughing and I didn't have a broken record of his voice going in my head. I was ignorant and I had never been more happy in my life.

8/23/17