Don't Let Go ✔ (Editing)

26 - Gay, as in Happy

26

I slowly moved off of his bed, trying my hardest to just ignore all what I'm feeling. I hate that I'm like this - why did I have to be attracted to him. Why do I have to feel this way when he looks at me the way he is now. Does he even know what he's doing to me by just that simple look? "I should go..." I mutter.

"Why? Is something wrong?" he asks. I bite my bottom lip and blinked downward while shaking my head. When I raise my head, I sighed, "What are you doing to me?"

"What?"

"Come on, man. You're looking at me like you're actually into me but then you're saying you aren't gay and I'm just fucking confused! I mean, you kissed me back, right and you seemed to like it, so what's really going on? I'm just going to say it, okay, yes, I have feelings for you. I've always had feelings for you, but damn you make it so hard sometimes. You rejected me, Ashton and that really fucked me up for a while. But I can't keep doing this over and over again. You obviously like girls so that's it, right? I can't come here and pretend I'm okay because all I want is you." I took in a breath after all that and barely even made eye contact with him. I felt relieved to finally get all that off my chest, but at the same time totally and completely afraid of what might happen next.

It was silent after that, so I took that as my cue to leave.

I bit the inside of my lip and slowly turned on my heels.

"Ethan, come on, you aren't really leaving?" he asks. I sigh softly as I turned around again. I can't believe I'm so weak when it comes to him.

"I'm tired," I tell him. Ashton sat up and stared at me. He let out a soft breath before saying, "Okay, here's the truth; I've grown to like you. At first I was certain there was no way I could feel this way about another guy, but then you kissed me and my mind completely changed. I mean, you're a real fuck up, but I like you."

"Like... like-like?" I smile and bite my lip.

He seemed to hesitate for a minute.

"Like like-like..." he answered, finally. I blinked up to his monitor, noticing the fast pace of his heart and I flashed a small smile before looking down to the ground.

"I thought you were straight," I fold my arms across my chest as I stepped closer to him.

"Yeah, me too, but then you came along, so yeah," he shrugged. I rolled my eyes and took my seat on his bed once again, feeling as happy as happy can get. "But uh... you realize this won't-"

"Ashton, please, can you just be happy with me?" I ask him staring into his eyes, "I don't care how much time you have left okay. I care about now and you should too. You're too pessimistic."

"No, Ethan, I'm real. I know what's going to happen, okay. I'm not going to lie to myself or try to convince myself that I could live forever. My life is short."

"That doesn't mean you have to count down - plus everyone's life is short. That's just how it is," I tell him and bite my bottom lip. I blinked at him and flashed a smile, then looked away again. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just feel so different now. I mean, it's finally happened and it's out - how we feel about each other. But it just doesn't feel like it's legit.

Ashton's hand came to mine, making my eyes blink down at it then I went to his eyes. He said, "Can we try something again?"

"Yes... yes, of course," I nodded. He smiled which soon turned into a cute laugh, and I just began to blush for absolutely no reason. I could have literally thrown myself out the window for being such an idiot. Eventually I was snapped out of that trance and I moved closer. I lift my hand to run along the pale, soft skin on his cheek, and running my thumb underneath his eyes. I'm just really excited that he's mine, you know.

I bite my bottom lip as I blinked down to his perfect, pink lips, then I smiled. "You're okay with this, yeah?" I asked him.

"Yeah, of course."

"I mean the transition I guess... you know from being with girls to b-" Ashton interrupted my silly rambling by pressing his lips firmly on mine. I smiled into the kiss before I actually got into it. My fingers touched his skin gently as my lips moved slowly against his. I'm not really a big fan of slow kisses, but this one is an exception. I mean he's new to it. His mouth opened, allowing my tongue to slide in. Usually I do more than just kiss a person, and right now I really want to do more than just kiss, but I have to keep in mind he's probably just getting used to it. It's amazing, though, that I'm the first guy he's kissed.

I should feel special about that.

Ashton pulled away slowly to breath, but his forehead remained rest gently on mind. His eyes kept looking back down to my lips, which again had me blushing insanely, so I move away. I ask him, "That was okay, right?" He smiled before lacing his fingers in mine and nodding his head. "So, you're gay now?" I ask.

He shook his head, "I'm bisexual now."

"That's good," I nodded with a smile. I stared into his eyes and I realize he somehow didn't look as horrible as he did when I first entered the room. Now he looks happier. He obviously still has that sick look, but I can see he's happier now, and it actually feels really good to know that I'm part of the reason for that. It makes me smile.

However, the ringing of my phone has me snapping out of my small moment of bliss. I take out my phone quickly and swipe to answer it. An involuntary smile appeared on my face when I heard Cody's voice on the other end. "Hey," I answered him softly.

"Are you busy?" he asks, "I'm in the mood for... well you."

I chuckle lightly, "Gosh, Cody, you always had bad timing."

"Seriously?" he scoffed. My eyes found Ashton, who just stared at me with a confused look, and I realized I should end this call. "Yes, I am busy. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Wow, I just got rejected. I thought you loved me?" he joked.

"I do, and I always will - just not right now. Bye," I say quickly and hang up the phone. I instantly began apologizing, only to be cut of my Ashton shaking his head. He said, "It's okay."

"No, I'm really sorry."

"Ethan, trust me, I'm fine."

"Seriously?" I scoff, "I mean, you aren't jealous or anything? That was my ex. Do you even like me?"

Ashton laughed then rose my hand to kiss the back of it, "I do."

"Good and so do I. It's just like a huge turn-on when a guy is jealous," I bit my bottom lip. Ashton rolled his eyes, "Well thanks for the tip... I guess."

I lean in and peck his lips, "You're welcome."

*~*

I left the hospital content that night – which never actually happened recently. I'm just grateful that he finally found himself, and again, I'm responsible for part of that. I'm proud of myself. My mother kept glancing at me while we drove home and I (being the loser that I am) began to blush insanely. She's my mother, obviously, she can see something is different, so it makes no sense hiding it from her.

I ended up pouring out my soul to her, with a bunch of squealing in between. She seemed happy, but obviously, she had to tell me the stuff I didn't want to hear. I know what's going to happen to Ashton, and it's so stupid of me t actually indulge myself in this, but I just can't stop myself. I already had a taste of and now I want it all. I'm an idiot, I know. I'm only setting myself up for loads and loads of tears. But honestly, I think Ashton is sort of worth it.

~*~*~