Being Okay

2. Dad

To Dad,

Hey Dad. How are you? I think this must be the first time this question has popped up in our conversations, as bleak as they may be. I know that this would've been too difficult and awkward to say to you directly and frankly, I don't think I'm ready to talk to you about all this.

I would be lying and I would be vehemently wrong if I said that you were a shitty father. Of course you were not. You never abused us, physically, you never walked out on us forever and neither did you let us experience any deficiency, financially. So no, you were never a shitty father. But in the process of being a good father, you just forgot to be our dad. You were there with us, but you were never there for us, for me. I don't remember sitting down with you and just talking, sharing my heart out. That's because it never happened. You ask me about my classes, about my studies but you never ask me about my day, or how it was. You ask me about my grades, but you never just ask me how I am. Why, papa? I tried my best, I still do, to live up to your expectations, to be the daughter you can proudly show off to the world. Was I never enough, papa? Will I never be enough?

All I want, and all I ever wanted was my dad, who would sit next to me, ask me about my day, tell me about his, trash talk about boys with me and maybe wipe away my tears and hug me. You've never even given me a hug. Why, papa? I know I'm not perfect myself, but is this too much to ask for? Why won't you talk to me?

But no, don't worry. I'm not mad at you; far from it. You think I don't notice but I see the fatigue and exhaustion in your eyes when you come home from work; why do you think I always come and just sit next to you? I know it provides you with some sort of comfort. I see the sadness in your eyes that seems to have permanently etched itself there ever since you lost your sister. Sometimes i feel like going to God and demanding answers as to, why you? Why is he making you go through all of this when you've already been through so much shit in your life.

I'm so fucking proud of you, Pa. The conditions in which you completed your education, and got your degree, were nothing short of disastrous. And I'm sorry that your parents never gave you the love you deserved.

But don't worry, Pa. Even if you may not be able to show me you love me, my heart is big enough to love the both of us. You may not talk to me, but I'll always have your back. You don't have to struggle anymore, I'll do it for you. You've seen enough, you've been through enough, now it's time to step back and relax. I'll never let anything harm or hurt you.

I guess it's true what they say. A woman may be her husband's queen, but she'll always be her father's princess. I hope that one day i gather up the heart to actually say all of this to you.

Till then, I'll make amends with this letter.

Love you, Baba.

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Baba : Dad in Marathi