A Hidden Past

Chapter 9

JJ's POV:

I slowly lifted my head, my eyes meeting those of the teams. Garcia's. Spence's. Even Hotch's. They had a look of shame, a strong look of disgust from each of them. I felt sick. I knew this was a bad idea. I should of just dealt with him by myself, I was stupid to ever think that they would help me. After all I slept with the man who filled the space of my father. He pretty much was my father and I let him use me like some sort of cheap prostitute. 

My hands were shaking. I couldn't stop the tears that fell down my cheeks. I had to get out of this room. I couldn't stand the thought of being around them a single second longer. 

I quickly stood up from the seat that I had just spilled my life on, throwing my mobile across the room as I made my way out of the room. The last thing I wanted was to be pestered by endless phone calls. I didn't raise my head to see the expression on any of their faces. Garcia would be crying, Emily would be worried but not showing as much and Hotch would have his usual stern face on, hiding the fact that he was just as worried as Garcia. As I ran out of the room I could hear their shouts, "JJ!" "Jennifer!". I didn't turn around, I couldn't. They were all so revolted with my revelations. They couldn't stand to be around me any longer, their cries of disgust still echoing around my mind. Replaying over and over again. 

My legs were hurting, each step felt like I was being weighed down by one hundred heavy bricks but I didn't stop. I ran and ran and ran until the hotel became a small dot in the distance. I suppose the only good thing about being back home, if that's what I'd call it anyway, is that I can still find my way around the woods without getting completely lost. I was praying that my old hideout would still be accessible. No one apart from myself knew about it so I was positive that no one would be able to hunt me down and find me. No one knew these woods any better than I did. 

After about an hour of running I finally made it to where I used to hangout when I was a teenager. The same dead stump from my favourite tree was still there. It had been cut down years and years ago but I would recognise it from miles away. It was so calming down here. The wind hummed through the trees, the river flowed gently for miles and miles. I sat hunched over on the stump. I had my head in my hands, my elbows resting on my knees. Everything was such a mess. I hardly ever saw my kids anymore. Work took me away from them constantly. I never have the time to play soccer with Henry or sing Michael to bed. I can never have that special bond with any of them. I've missed most of Bella's life, I say she's one of the best things to happen to me yet I struggle to be around her. The memories attached to her are too strong. 

This is not how my life is supposed to be. I'm not meant to feel weakness. This is not who Jennifer Jareau is.

But it is. 

I pretend to be strong around the team, around my kids, hell even around my own mother but the truth is I'm not. 

The tears were streaming down my face, silent tears but all the same. My heart physically pained me, shattered into a million pieces from the shame I felt deep inside. The shame of my deepest, darkest secret that I had kept from everyone for so many years. Even Will wasn't aware of the kind of childhood I had or of Bella's biological father. He never questioned it and for that I am grateful, it's one of the things that I loved him for. He never pushed me into telling him anything that I didn't want to. At times like this I wish he was by my side, wrapping his arm around me, providing a cocoon of safety but we made our choice many months ago. We aren't meant to be and that's just the way it is. 

The rain was now pouring down from the sky. My clothes were soaked all the way down to my skin. My hair was dripping into my eyes. I didn't care. Didn't move towards shelter. The rain was so cold that perhaps it will be able to cleanse me, cleanse this day from my body, from my mind.  

In the distance I heard a faint noise, I sat silently, trying to listen to who was nearby. The noise was getting louder, closer....: "JJ!"....."JJ!"...."JJ come on it's freezing out here!". I squinted my eyes, the rain blurring my view, I could make out two figures approaching me. A man and a woman. Hotch and Emily. How on earth had they found me. I had never spoken about this place to them, to anyone. I quickly stood up and tried to run but they spotted me. I was so tired, drained, and I couldn't continue. Hotch caught up with me and I fell down to the ground, crying and screaming. I couldn't carry on like this. Hotch held me in his arms, rubbing his hand back and forth across my back. Emily crouched down by my side moments later and wrapped her jacket around me. I buried my head into Hotch's chest, holding him tight. I was freezing cold, my skin felt like ice. My tears stained my face. 

"Come on JJ lets get you back to your room." Hotch responded, looking at me with concern written all over his face.