Lost?

Chapter 6

After diner, we were walking hand in hand to home. Neither of us said a word. This tension between us must surely have its own light. I couldn't even look at him, even though I knew he was constantly watching me. After endless time we got home and we could go to sleep. I fell asleep before Rick did. After midnight I woke up. I walked into the living room. I was looking out the window. I was confused. I mean, I was glad I got to remember something, but I didn't want to disappoint Castle. He was so excited when that little piece of my memory returned. I was afraid that I cannot remember anything else as fast as I did now. I watched cars slowly making their way through the street and how the leaves were swaying in the wind. I was looking for a distraction from my own thoughts, which were trying to make me go crazy. I heard footsteps, but I did not turn. Rick slowly walked behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Come back to bed. You go to therapy in the morning and you need to be rested," he said quietly and pulled both hands off of me. I shook my head. He just muttered something and went back into the bedroom. I pulled the chair closer to the window and I just kept staring out. I do not know when I fell asleep, but I did fall asleep. Still half asleep, I felt someone upon me. I consider it was Rick who put a blanket on me and kissed my forehead. I dreamed about my life. I even saw children who we could have with Rick and it makes me a little scared. I was scared of the future, the present and the past.

The following day I had another therapy. I confessed with everything that troubled me. My psychologist explained many things to me and gave me some advice on how to get along better with Rick. After the session, I went home on foot. Along the way I stopped at a park. I sat on a bench and watched kids running around. They played and laughed and talked. I had to smile to myself. Children are so innocent and does not have any worries. They can also enjoy the absolute little things. Adults cannot do this, well a couple of them can, Castle for example. He is probably the most amazing man I've ever met. He's changed my life. Thanks to him, I can smile a lot more and relax even when the greatest stress is on my shoulders. I decided that I have to talk to him at home. He is giving me his full support, but I have to steer him in the right direction. He's trying, I know he is, but somehow it is not enough. I need more care and attention. He still treats me like a victim and I do not want it. I don't want to feel like a victim. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I need to feel my strength and enthusiasm again I had before the loss of memory. When I came home, Castle was not there. I found a message on the fridge. He had to arrange something with his new book. I cooked and I sat in the chair, which was still pulled close to the window. Again, I stared out. I guess I was looking for Rick or I was just watching the street, I do not know. It was strange, but even when I wanted attention so badly, that silence and stillness were making me actually really calm. Not long after this I heard keys. I went out to meet him at the door and I hugged him. He was a bit surprised, and at first he didn't want to hug me back, but ultimately allowed it and hugged me. When he released me and changed, we sat on the couch. Without him having to say anything to encourage me, I began telling him how the therapy went. He listened attentively, and his ocean blue eyes glistened with interest. When I finished, I just lowered my head and waited for him to say something. He said nothing. He grabbed my hand and stroked it with his thumb on the back. We didn't need words. Silence was enough for us. All our unspoken words hovered around and surrounded us. After a while I lay next to him. He firmly hugged me and patted on the back. He reached for the remote and turned on the music. Tones of songs began to ramify in the room. I lifted my head and looked deeply into his eyes.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you too," he replied softly and gently squeezed my hand.