Poems and Feelings

Just a lonely person who wants to be loved...

Hey, just a warning, this is a vent and rant and I'll probably disable the comments if I can probably not though tbh cause I don't know how and I really don't care sorry honestly I just want to complain about life, I know no one actually cares about me here and that I'm just another person online to all of you. So idk why I feel like writing this or posting it at all, 

 I know I have to keep living since I'm to cowardly not to and at this point it makes no difference to me anyway, I guess I just don't want to make people sad. Even if only one or two people really know me I know I'm always sad when anything happens to people and honestly my only reason for living is to try and be as happy as I can and to make as many others happy too on the way.

Basically I'm failing school this year and I don't think I'm going to move on at all

My parents are basically destroying me with hate and just saying things that have really stuck with me

I have finals coming up in a few months and I'm already sure I have to pass to move on which I don't know if I can do... I have two or three learning disabilities such as ADHD and also really bad anxiety on top of that. Pretty much my whole life I've only barely moved up through the grades and it's all finally catching up with me.

I've had my parents my whole life drill it into my head that if I don't pass the year my only friends will leave me and move up and I'll never see them cause they won't want to be friends with me. I've seen it happen to others so I believe it's true. Not to mention I only have a few friends as it is and most if not all of them or out of my league socially and academically. No one believes that I try. They think I'm a slacker, even my teachers and especially my parents.

They think I'm a bitch and I'm stupid and I don't try and can't work and they hate who I am as a person and to society.

I'm sure that they'll kick me out some day they already kicked out my older half brother who I don't know.

I've had friends that I would have given my life for turn around and say they didn't care about me at all and that they were just being nice. Friends I'd known since elementary and considered my closest friends real ones two.. I've had one manipulate me and though I'm friends with that person now My fears that no one really cares we're confirmed.

I'm afraid the only person left who I really believe in and trust will leave me like the rest have

I'm so sick of being afraid of everyone

My Parents

Teachers

Some of the people I call friends

I know I'm not really funny 

I try to be but unless it's a mistake they seem to be laughing at it's like no one really cares

It's not that I want them to pretend to laugh

It's just proof I'm not good enough

I don't know if I'm a good friend anymore

I want people to care about me for real

I want to find someone who loves me one day and 

 I want to be in a relationship one day 

but the only time I ever got anywhere with a person they betrayed me and used me

I don't know what to think anymore or say

I just want to be happy and live a nice simple life

I want to contribute even if it's in a small way to making someone else happy, even if it's just a 'have a nice day'

But i doubt myself and I always feel alone

I draw but I always hate the final product I just do it cause it's the only thing peopel ever complment me on and because it's peaceful and I have time to fantasize and once in a great while I'll actuily feel proud of it 

I'm so cold right now typing this out in a corner on the floor 

I wish someone I loved was here with me 

I wish that there was someone who actually wanted that

I like characters because it's the closest and only part of being a child that I'm allowed to have

I do it cause it's fun and one of the few ways I know how to express myself weather it be through text or in person.

I'm having a harder time finding people who care about me

I don't even know for sure if there are any for real, I'm always unsure 

I want there to be... 

I have been since last time I let my guard down for a bit...

There are only really one or two people that I'm able to hold onto hope with an d like I said one of the two is way out of my league and idk about the other.. I want to belive that they care but I just never know if it's real or a lie 

I guess I'm just sick of getting stuck in a hopeless routine I just want to be happy and make others happy I don't want to deal with this anymore I can't stand the loneliness 

I on.y get one life and then I'll be dead and gone forever and I just want to enjoy the small amount of time I have

I'm so sick of being alone

I'm so tired

Oh god I'm so Sorry for actually posing this long rant thing, thanks I guess If you got this far or may even care In the slightest of the life problems and rantings of some random teen on the interwebs maybe you'll find this relatable somehow and it'll help that you aren't alone???? I have no clue but I hope I'm not just being selfish or pointless by posting this 

I'll try and post something better / useful sometime soon hopefully Ill try and get my life together enough to find time for you guys 

Stay safe , sorry again about this...