''you see, i have this subordinate named eren,,
A diagnosis can change it all. It doesn't just affect the victim but everyone around them...and this one, this will send him to the clouds...but it will send the others to the ground.
♠ ♠ ♠
-All C...
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'You can't see him?' Eren asked, pushing the heavily built wheelchair in front of him. With a lack of technology and an obvious lack of people in the hospital rather than the morgue, a wheelchair had to be made rather than used.
It jittered every time they passed over a rock on the grinding path outside of the castle which, in turn, was outside of the cities walls. The expedition was not over just yet and this would be their hideout for all purposes.
'That's right. That darn Eren! He's on an expedition right now. I hope that he comes back safely.' Levi looked up to the ceiling, a tear rolling down his cheek, yet, he was still smiling. It was as if he was reliving a fond memory. Yet, it seemed that, at the moment, Levi could have fond memories. It had been as if his mind was blank. Nothing was there but the ability to process words- the same words.
'Eren.' He breathed, following the pattern of the clouds as if Eren was not the one he was talking to. He talked as if Eren was in the sky. It was as if Eren was...dead. Eren's stomach churned and he wished to gag but he stayed in his position, for Heichou's sake.
'I'm sure that Eren is safe and doing well.' Eren bit out, swallowed thickly, pushing the wheelchair further, his legs more rackety than it's wheels on the stone. Eren couldn't bear this anymore but he held his thoughts in, not voicing it in case it only came back to haunt him later. There was no clear evidence to say Levi would not remember his time as, well, a ghost.
He and Hanji had promised to give Levi their all and they were trying their hardest. It had been three days since Eren's return and Levi's condition had only worsened. Hanji had no solution, despite her notebook being filled to the brim with scribbles and noted, and Eren was bearing the unbearable. He talked to Levi as if they were both ghosts. Neither could see the real man behind the mask and each word passed through them in a cloud of unimportance. They were see through, they were nothing.
'You ass! You said Eren's name without an honorific!' Levi snapped, as he often did. Levi no longer seemed to see the line between emotions. He could be happy, angry, sad then confused all within a minute. He had lost the leash and Levi was now running around wildly with no control.
He just wasn't Levi anymore.
Eren had learnt to only flinch and continue on as a nasty comment was thrown at his face like a sharp stone. He had no time to argue with a man that was unaware of the world around him. He didn't want to anger him nor did he want to rile himself.
Eren blushed under Levi's heavy gaze but continued wheeling him down the corridor, his legs beginning to fall from beneath him. But, he was a soldier and even on shaky legs, he knew how to go on.
'Just kidding.' Levi laughed, smiling an empty smile but it was more than Levi had ever done any time elsewhere. He wasn't one to smile or to even laugh. A smirk had come Eren's way a few times but no more. But, it felt that in that moment, an empty smile was worse than no smile at all.
Eren brought his hand to his cheek to dust a fleck of mud away, only to pull them away and find them wet. Since when had he been crying? He felt the liquid drip from his chin and realised he had been crying since the beginning. Eren hated to cry but this just seemed like one of those times he was allowed to. No, not allowed to, wanted to. Levi was breaking him and he was letting him. Eren had an undying loyalty to the man and he knew he would never leave his side to never return. Eren would always find his way back to him.
'Why are you crying?' Levi asked gently, turning around in his creaky wheelchair. There was a pause, a such dreaded pause that only informed Eren of what was about to happen. This was not good. This was not good. This was not good. 'Hey, you know?' Levi smiled, looking as if he was trying to cheer the boy up. Eren looked up again, waiting for the inevitable. Levi wasn't going to cheer him up, he was going to break him further. 'I have this subordinate named Eren.' Eren wanted to cry, he wanted to shout and in the moment, it all came out. He grabbed Levi's shoulders tightly, crushing them in his grip and brought his face only an inch away from Levi's, the tears still spilling from his bloodshot eyes.
'It's me, Heichou. It's Eren. I'm Eren!' He screamed. His temper had broke but Levi's spell had not. Levi stared at him blankly, trembling under Eren's harsh gaze. He was afraid. Eren had made Levi afraid. He had done the impossible. Levi was afraid of nothing, but now, he was scared of even little Eren. The boy who had a bloodlust directed towards the beasts that roamed their world but could never hurt a fly otherwise.
Images flashed through Eren's mind of all the times Levi had said those words over the last few days and how each any every time he had wanted to scream- wanted to strike fear into the man. The guilt sent floods instead of tears. Eren couldn't hold it in anymore. He couldn't do it for Levi anymore. So, he ran. He ran as fast as his legs would take him.
And moments later, he found himself inside his bedroom, down in the dungeon, sliding down the inside of the metal bars, the metal clanging loudly as he hit them with a thud. He bawled into his cupped hands. He had just ruined everything. He had broken his promise. He had broken his friendship. He had broken his lover.
He had broken everything and he couldn't bring himself to forgive that.
Eren felt a failure and he knew that there was no fixing this. Eren couldn't fix this. Levi couldn't fix this. They were both stuck in the loop and there was no escape.
They were stuck in a cycle of sadness: the most common of them all.
