ANXIETY (𝘫𝘰𝘩𝘯𝘯𝘺𝘣𝘰𝘺)

Chapter 1

Edit from 7/5/20
I took this story down a while ago because I was worried it was romanticizing mental illnesses. I've reread it and remember the way I felt back when I wrote this. Most of the mental health issues in this are based off stuff I struggled with when I was little. As cringy as it might be for me to read this now, people enjoyed it back when it was up, and I think maybe it was because they could relate to the problems that I projected onto these characters.
If someone comes forward and requests for this to be taken down I will reconsider this decision. It was not my intention when I was younger to romanticize mental illnesses, and I'm not sure if this really does. If so, I apologize. It is what I thought was normal at the time.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS STORY
MENTIONS OF CUTTING, DEPRESSION, EATING DISORDERS, AND SUICIDE

Status: edited

Pony's P.o.V.

It's not the physical pain that kills...

I laid awake in agony, staring at the ceiling. The pain in my stomach was making it impossible for me to fall asleep.

But the voice in my head told me that if I'm hungry then it's working. I'll lose weight and soon enough I won't be fat anymore.

I know that it's not great for my body, but I can't eat. I get physically sick whenever I try to. All I can ever think about when food goes into my mouth is how many calories I'm eating.

Why can't I be skinny? Why can't I be beautiful? My brothers Darry and Sodapop have it made. They're so handsome and perfect and girls are always swarming around them.

I wish I could look like anyone but me. But what good does wishing do? Nothing I ever wish for comes true.

You're doing it again. The voice in my head taunts. I swallow and try to ignore it. Quit throwing yourself a pity party you baby. You can't ever handle anything.

The more I try to ignore the voice, the louder it grows. So I have no choice but to listen to it.

My stomach gives a painful lurch and I try as hard as I can to stifle a groan. I don't wanna wake Sodapop up. He already deals with me enough during the day I don't want to bother him at night too.

The entire reason we sleep in the same bed is because I can't sleep alone without having nightmares about Mom and Dads death a few months ago.

I only just realized how annoying it must be for him to have to try and calm me down wen I'm in hysterics because of a nightmare that seemed so real.

I sit up and stare down at my handsome brother, aching to look like him. He's got a finely drawn, sensitive face with hair that's a nice wheat gold. His ability to understand everybody is what makes people love him so much.

Sodapop is the one person who I look up to more than anyone else in the world.

I've never told anybody that, because I'm scared what my oldest brother Darrel, who we call Darry would think. He's got a tough build because he roofs houses for a living and can knock anyone out with one punch.

He's not quite as good looking as Soda, but he's still handsome. Which is why I hate my looks. I'm the odd one out.

I've got light brown, almost red hair and ugly greenish gray eyes. I hate most guys with green eyes, but I'm trying to be content with what I have.