ANXIETY (𝘫𝘰𝘩𝘯𝘯𝘺𝘣𝘰𝘺)

Chapter 15

Status: edited

Pony's P.o.V.

I couldn't help but feel like his death was my fault.

  The police had already came and collected Jeffy's body. I shuddered just thinking about it.

  One of my best friends in the world, was dead. I didn't see it coming at all, but I should have. I felt sick, and what I really wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die, but I couldn't.

  He made me promise in his note that I wouldn't be too sad, so I can't be. I have to fulfill his last wish.

  Johnny was sitting on my bed next to me, but he wouldn't say anything. I felt awful. First I lost my close friend, and now possibly my boyfriend?

  He looked at me, and I looked up at him hurriedly.

  Johnny sighed and took my hand. "Pony, I'm sorry I was upset. I had no right to be."

  "Yes you do. I made a mistake and-"

  "No, we weren't dating yet."

  I gave him a sad smile. "No, we weren't."

  Johnny squeezed my hand. "Please don't be upset at me."

  I shook my head. "I'm not upset...at you. More at myself." My head began spinning some as I tried to get closer to him. "I should have known he was gonna kill himself. There were signs."

"Don't put that on yourself Ponyboy." We both laid down and I lazily wrapped my leg around his waist. "You can't beat yourself up about that." He pressed his lips to my temple, causing me to look at him. "Can I ask you something?"

  I nodded. "Anything."

  "Do you really love me? I don't want you to feel like you have to date me because I like you." His eyes got shiny but he looked away.

  My eyes widened and I gripped onto his shirt. "Johnny, please don't ever question that. I love you so much, I'm sure a whole lot more than you love me."

  He let out a breath and whimpered. "N-no. I'm afraid that one day you'll realize this was all a phase and leave me alone. It's one of my biggest fears. That and you killing yourself."

My breath hitched a bit. "I'm not gonna kill myself. I promise. I could never leave you."

  "You mean that?" Johnny asked, his big puppy dog eyes getting even bigger.

  I nodded and began peppering his face with kisses. "I really do."

  Johnny grinned and then snuggled up to me, soon enough falling asleep.

  I realized in that moment how much I truly did love him. Everything he has done for the past couple of months, was for me.

  I realized how comfortable I felt with myself whenever I was around him, and no one, not even my brothers, not even Jeffy, could make me feel like that.

  I realized just how much I'm in love with this boy.

-

  He laid against my shoulder asleep now while I stroked his hair. I had just woken up and was waiting on him to wake up as well.

  He began to whine a bit and stir in his sleep. "Johnnycakes, come on. I need to take a shower, and you do too."

"Tired." He mumbled.

I smiled. "Okay. I'm gonna go take one first so you can sleep a little longer."

He just nodded and rolled over.

I quickly made my way to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day. Johnny did the same after I finished. It was nice, just having a routine together.

-

  That small amount of time Johnny and I had shared was like another world. Now I had to go out and pretend to not be in love, relive Jeffy's death, and answer all kinds of awful questions.

  Before we went downstairs Johnny kissed me. "You'll be okay my love. I know it."

  I nodded. "Thanks to you..."

  The entire gang was sitting in the living engaged in a conversation until they noticed Johnny and I. They all suddenly got quiet.

  I felt my cheeks flush and I looked down. "What's going on?" I tried to sound casual.

  They all looked at each other before Steve finally spoke. "So, uh...you two are gay?"

  Soda was sitting with a smug smile.

  Johnny backed up a bit and breathed out an "oh my God."

  "N-no?" I gulped and failed at trying to play it off.

  "I told them Ponyboy." Sodapop said, causing me to be furious.

  "What!?" I yelled. "Soda I trusted you!"

  "Hey it's alright man we all accept you." Dally said quickly and Two-bit nodded in agreement.

  Soda backed up a bit. "I knew they would Pony, that's why I told them."

  I sighed and rubbed my head, begging tears not to spill. "J-just ask me next time...please."

  Johnny seemed to shrink down. "S-sorry Darry."

  My oldest brother furrowed his eyebrows. "Why?"

  Johnny seemed to get even more scared. "F-for dating P-Pony a-and n-not telling...but I love him and-"

  "I'm not mad Johnny, I promise." Something in my brothers eyes changed.  "Pony who was that boy?" Darry asked quietly.

  My breathing quickened a bit a I willed myself to not cry. "I-I met him at t-the hospital. He was one of my best friends."

  Soda came over and hugged me. "Oh I'm sorry baby."

  Hot tears began to flow down my cheek. "I'll be okay. He didn't want me to be sad."

  Soda wiped away my tears and kissed my forehead. "Proud of you little brother."

  I felt Johnny's soft hands run down my back. I quickly turned around and engulfed him in a hug. "I love you Johnnycakes. So much. Thank you for being so understanding."

  He nodded. "Of course Ponyboy."

  I don't know what I've ever done to deserve Johnny. My sweet Johnnycakes.