Ruin and Revival

Chapter 11: Pondering

ARIKA

My heartbeat is pounding in my chest. I run my hands through my hair forcing myself to calm down. I had been having a good dream where I thought Calvin was carrying me, showing me around heaven. I had opened my eyes in shock to see Cole's face above me, strong arms propping me up against his shoulders. His hair had sparkled under the twilight sky. I shake my head again before looking over at Cole, who was walking away, back towards me. I try jogging up to him.

"Hey, Cole. Um, I am really sorry about earlier. But thank you for the stories last night because I haven't felt this refreshed in a while," a genuine, heartfelt grin on my face. He looks at me, his eyes angry and happy all at once before opening the trunk of the van and shoving our stuff in roughly. The look in his eyes scared me. What had I done so wrong that an apology couldn't have worked for?

After everything is in the van, we all climb in. Even though there is supposed to be plenty of space for all of us, our packs take up most of it in the back so while Jake and Bri sit in the front seats, the three of us sit in the back, me squished in the middle. Just my luck. Cole's face is turned away, looking out the window at the never ending ruins of houses and sand. Michelle is sleeping, her head propped against the window.

"I heard you dreaming about Calvin," He mumbles quietly. My eyes widen as it hits me why he is so upset.

"You haven't moved on I'm guessing," He says in a heartbreaking voice. I reach for his arm but he flinches at my touch. Tears threaten my eyes.

"Say it! Whether you have moved on or not," This time it's my turn to flinch at the bitterness his voice. Bri turns to me and mouths me to say that I have but I knew I would be lying.

"No," I confess, my voice cracking.

"That's what I thought," He snapped. The rest of the ride is torture, no one daring to make a sound, not even Michelle. Sometimes, silence could suffocating. This was one of those times. Bri gives me an apologetic look but I just turn away sorrowfully.

I really liked Cole, as a matter a fact, I could even consider romantic feelings for him. But that would have been before I had met Calvin, before grief had overtaken me. After you experience people dying, loved ones or not, your perspective on the world alters entirely. You stop taking everything for granted, you are more cautious about who you open yourself up to and who you get attached to. I am constantly afraid that someone will die again and I feel that if I allow myself Cole, I will be betraying Calvin and I could lose Cole and experience everything all over again. There is only so much one can take before we box up our emotions and lock them away. Everyday is like jumping off a cliff: rare rushes of euphoria takes over as you plummet but life hits you as you smash forcefully into the ground as soon as it realizes you might actually be happy.

After hours of awkward, suffocating silence, with the only relief being Bri mouthing me jokes that make me cringe, we finally arrive at the government camp. Our gas had been completely gone for a good ten minutes by now but somehow, it had managed to drive on, like the rest of the world. I definitely would miss this thing.

Thousands of people are milling around, lugging packs, covered in grime and sand. More, like us, were arriving, eager for food, an actual roof above our head, and perhaps a sense of stability that has been wrongly robbed from us in these past few weeks. We clamor out, keen to get out of that unbearable silence, and stretch our constantly sore muscles.

"I am so sorry about that. That was the cringiest car ride ever," Bri walks over and whispers to me.

"Yeah me too. Because of me and Cole, we all had to sit through that," I give her a rueful look.