Bizarre TRiUMPhant Tales

6. Donald's Shameful Secret

*The genesis for this idea came in November 2016 and has been adapted to include reference to current events (Jan 12th 2017)

The President Elect's most faithful adviser's eyes widened as she saw the headline; quickly she read through and began reaching for the phone.

'Sir, we have a ... situation.'

The President Elect aka DJT aka The Donald replied. 'Yes Kellyanne, what is it this time? Can it wait ... I'm tweeting.'

'No Sir, I'm afraid it can't. You need to see this ... it's on Buzzfeed. They're saying that the Russians have a dossier on you.'

Trump laughed. 'False news, ridiculous, pathetic, desperate attempts to smear me Kellyanne.'

'Sir, I know I've asked you this before, but I really need to know ...'

'Know what Kellyanne?'

'Is there anything ... sexual ...*cough* erm, that might be er ... classed as unusual. That is, anything the Democrats can use to damage us ...' she trailed off.

There was silence over the phone and then came his voice again. 'So you're saying Kellyanne ...'

'The full report hasn't been released sir, but there's mention of ... deviant sexual practices.'

Up in his office President Elect Trump stood up and paced in front of a huge ... dare I say it, YUGE ... portrait of himself portrayed as a warrior of old proudly holding aloft a sword and shield. Sweat ran in orange bronze streaks down his forehead.

He looked at himself in an equally huge gilt edged mirror and with heart racing, he started mumbling. 'Calm yourself Donald. Calm, calm.'

'Mr President Elect?'

'I'm here Kellyanne.' Trump had retained control over his voice, but Kellyanne had known him long enough not to be fooled.

'Sir, if there is something you need to tell me now. We need to get ahead of this.'

Trump sat down, his limbs weakening - he felt faint. 'Kellyanne, do you remember I sent you a file marked L.'

'Yes sir.'

'L for Lost.'

'Yes sir.'

'The one I said stays lost ... only ever to be opened by you in the case of my death by assassins, who have probably been sent by the DNC or the extreme lunatic left!'

'Yes sir.'

I need you to open that file and prepare YUGE countermeasures! Wait five minutes after you've sent me the Buzzfeed link.' He hung up.

Kellyanne sent the link and clicked her heel on the ground under her desk. She heard a click back and the floor safe was revealed. Getting on her hands and knees, Kellyanne Conway pressed her thumbprint to a rounded opening and then still leaning with her face near the ground, gave the audio voice recognition code, entered a 21 digit number and pricked her thumb, letting a drop of blood fall on the blood analysis dna scanner. She then unclipped her left earring, removed a small key and inserted it into a lock.

The wallsafe opened and a tablet was revealed. She proceeded to boot it up and then went through 9 layers of security to find and open File L.

Upstairs, the President Elect opened his drawer and looked at the gun he always kept loaded with one golden bullet. His heart raced as he clicked on the link.

Kellyanne was seated at her desk when her phone rang. 'Mr President Elect?'

Upstairs the tears were streaming down Donald Trump's face. 'Piss showers Kellyanne!'

'Yes sir.'

'Piss showers with Russian hookers in a Moscow hotel!!' She heard the relief in his voice and the thunderous uncontrollable laughter. 'We're going to be ok Kellyanne. Better than ok, great, wonderful, MAGNIFICENT!'

'Sir, you mean ...'

'Yes Kellyanne, it's actually false news! All garbage!'

'I'm relieved to hear that sir.' After assuring her boss that she would start to issue a reaction strategy, Kellyanne stared at the tablet again. She wished he'd called seconds sooner ... before she'd opened it.

Kellyanne hit play on the video and Donald Trump's face appeared. 'By now, you will have seen the pictures of the women ...'

Kellyanne shook her head and clicked the other folder - the 58 year old saggy bosomed Russian babushka, the 4'11 frumpy 46 year old Mexican cleaning lady, the tired looking housewife from Illinois and dozens more.

His voice continued. 'It's my secret shame ... I maintain a certain image, all the beautiful models, perfect babes that I've boasted about over the years. Even Melania ... our sex life is practically non existent. I can't ... get it up for those sorts of women!'

Kellyanne wished she could unsee and unhear this, but now she'd started, she had to listen to the rest. What she discovered ... her boss's shameful secret ... it was beyond belief!

Donald Trump was only sexually attracted to 2's and 3's!!!

Next up ... The Devil and Ms Rodham