I Loved Her First

4. Hurt

Narrator's POV

She sat alone in her apartment with a beer in hand and tears streaming down her face. Kensi didn't know how she left herself so vulnerable to a man she barely knew. She didn't know why she gave in to her feelings and slept with him, but boy did she regret it. She wishes she had done things differently. Maybe then she wouldn't be feeling the way she does

Another episode of America's next top model had begun, and she had just managed to get into a comfortable position on her couch when her doorbell rang. Knowing exactly whom it was she didn't bother to move. He had called three times already, each time she ignored hoping he'd get the message, but clearly he hadn't.

When the knocking, and ringing of her doorbell started to get intolerable she finally decided to get up and answer the door in her most irritated tone yet "What!" she yelled as she opened the door coming face to face with the blonde haired, blue eyed detective

Deeks: Can I come in?

She stepped aside letting him into her apartment before shutting the door "What do you want Deeks?" She asked in an irritated manner

Deeks: I know you're angry with me, and you have every right to be, but please let me explain

"Explain what? That you have a wife, and not just any wife but probably the sweetest person on the planet, and kids? I kinda figure that part out on my own Deeks" she retorted

Deeks: Ex wife. We're divorced, and I know when you opened up to me about Jack and your dad I should have done the same, but losing my son was the worst kind of pain. I've never talked to anyone but Zara who's the only person that knows how bad that hurts. I'm not at a point where I want to discuss that part of my life

"I understand that, but he's not your only child. You've got two others who mean the world to you. Two little girls you didn't bother to mention" said Kensi

Deeks: I don't like crossing personal and professional lines why I wanted to wait until this case was over

"It was okay for you to cross personal boundaries while on the job so we could sleep together, but not okay for you to tell me you're a dad, to tell me you were married? How is that okay? How am I supposed to trust you when you clearly don't trust me?" She asked

Deeks: I do trust you, I trust you with everything, and hurting you was never my intention. I know I screwed things up, but please let me fix this. Please don't throw away everything we have

"What do we have Deeks? YOU have a wife, YOU have kids. We slept together a few times while undercover, but you have your family, it seems pretty clear to me that you're still not very your ex. I told you from the start I don't want to put myself in a position where I can end up hurt, and that's exactly what this is. Why don't you do us both a favor and leave?" She asked, wiping away the tears that fell down her face

Deeks: Do you honestly want to forget everything that happened during that case? End things before they really start?

"Can you honestly stand here and tell me you're not still in love with her?" Kensi retorted, and his silence confirmed her thoughts "Exactly"

Deeks: Falling out of love is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'd be lying if I said there weren't still feelings involved but we are not together, we're both trying to move on and I made a connection with you. For the first time since Zara I felt like the possibility of happiness is still available for me. I would never have taken things that far with you if she's what I wanted

"I don't think you know what you want, and I won't be the one waiting around while you figure it out" she spoke with tears clouding her vision "I know you didn't meant to hurt me, and I also know that I can't be with someone who's in love with someone else. Let's just put everything that happened behind us" she told him, as the tears came rolling down her face "Do one good thing and leave" she begged

Deeks: Kens?

"Just go" she told him. He reluctantly turned away, leaving her to herself.

Deeks didn't want to end things, he wanted to have a chance at finding love again and wanted that with her, but ended up hurting her instead. He'd screwed things up, and had no clue how to make it better, but wasn't about to give up. Sure she needed space, but hopefully she'll eventually change her mind