Psychopath [solangelo au]

-How to be present-

September 28th, 2017

I woke on Friday, and knew it would be a bad day.

There were no boys hovering over me or unfamiliar voices in my head, but I was unfocused the second my eyes opened.

I sat up. There was nothing I could do— I had to push through whether it was a good day or not.

I could barely keep track of my actions while getting dressed. I walked towards my closet to get clothes, when something on my desk reflecting the sunlight caught my eye. I headed over to it. I had to shield my squinted eyes from the light, my senses too sensitive early in the morning. The window above the desk streamed thick rays of light onto my phone.
I picked up to see if I had any notifications. I had one, from Jenny, but I was so unfocused I couldn't even read it.
It took me twice as long to get dressed and ready than normal. I didn't have time to eat so I grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and left for school.

I stepped outside onto the home's cement front porch, and shivered when a cool breeze pulled through my clothes. My hair fell in my eyes but I didn't have the motivation to move it. Plus, what if someone I knew from school saw me and recognized my face? What if they wanted to talk to me? I couldn't talk back. Not now. Not when I was like this. I tended not to speak when I was like this, because I couldn't always finish my sentence. I was sidetracked too easily, or there were times when I forget what I was talking about all together, and trail off. People get confused. It's messy.

I shook my head, trying to shake the fog away. I mentally slapped myself. Then I actually slapped myself. The couple walking by me raised eyebrows and twisted their mouths. I cursed quietly and put my hood up.

I had trouble controlling my actions through the fog. I become so unfocused I forget to keep my thoughts to myself. I forget what's socially acceptable and usually make a fool out of myself.

I made it school faster than I liked, and stood outside the gates, and watched people flood through the front doors for five minutes, thinking about all the things I could be doing if I didn't go. The list wasn't long.
Pulling my hood as far over my face as possible, I headed in.

I passed groups of friends standing in circles and talking on the lawn before they had to split up for class. It was a warmer fall day, so girls were wearing shorts and guys were lifting their shirts over their heads because they were "too hot". Teachers usually yelled at them for that, but teachers yelled at girls for having their shoulders out, too, so it was hard to decide if they were smart or not.

I was about halfway to the doors when I was tapped on the shoulder from behind. It scared me so much that I jumped and dropped my apple that I had forgotten about completely, and it rolled far away.
Thankfully, it was only Sarah, my lab partner in Biology. She had curly, tangled hair, that was normally pulled up into a ponytail, even when we weren't dissecting animals. She didn't seem to know I had lost my apple due to her.

"Hi, Nico!" She greeted cheerfully, bouncing on her toes. It wasn't in the same way I did when I was nervous— more like she had excessive amounts of energy bursting out of her. She was always full of energy. I glanced sideways quickly and saw my apple be kicked by a teenager, who then laughed at my sad apple and stomped on it, cracking it into six or seven pieces. No breakfast for me.

"Hey," I replied, trying to keep my mind on her and not the couple chasing each to our right, or the group of assholes in my grade beating some poor freshmen up, instead of me, across the lawn.

Come on Nico. Focus. Sarah Visnosky. Always full of energy like she was on a sugar high.

"Hey! So I was wondering, since we haven't started our project yet, and I'm free tonight, do you want to, like, stay after school today and work on it?" She asked. I stared blankly. She glanced over at her group of friends a few steps away and sent a 'help me' kind of glance. How long had I been silent? Usually Sarah was fine with me.