Psychopath [solangelo au]

-How to make a snowman-

December 31st, 2017 - January 1st, 2018

The new year meant a lot of things. It means I've survived another year of my personal hell, that I'm still alive, still slightly sane, and have something to live for. And things are getting slightly better. Whenever something starts to happen Jenny has a sixth sense, and comes to my rescue. Most of the time. She didn't realize that the three mornings I stayed in my room with the door locked that I said I was sleeping in were actually days I got no sleep and had voices invading everyone of my senses.
Today wasn't that bad, but I felt emotionally exhausted. It was still on winter break, but I had been studying non stop (With Wills help) for 5 days straight. Will and I had met up at the cafe at least 4 of those days when he wasn't busy.
It was an understatement to say I was stressed out. I was terrified. I'm always so... tired. I don't know how else to explain it.
Yesterday, While studying geography, Will brought up New Years.

~~

"So Nico, what are you doing for New Years tomorrow? Do you have plans?" Will asked me twiddling his fingers over his coffee. It was his 3rd since we got here, and we had only been there for an hour and a half.

"I don't know if I'm doing anything, it depends on Jenny and Carmen I guess," I replied, not looking up from my geography text book. The bottom of my pencil was chewed apart from stress, along with my bottom lip, cheek, finger nails and the sides of my nails. I was a mess, and my hair was greasy from forgetting that showering was a thing people need to do.

"Well I was invited to this party by some guy in one of my classes and he said to bring a plus one if I wanted so I was wondering if you weren't doing anything, maybe you'd like to come with me? I know you don't mix with parties very well, but I would like if you came,"
He was right. I didn't do well with parties. I either got so drunk I could get alcohol poisoning, or I got a panic attack of some sort. Not good. I was looking at him now, taking in his wind blown blond curls, bright blue eyes, sparkling as he prodded the text book in front of me.

"I don't know if that's a good idea... I need to study if I want to get in some sort of university and I can't fail these exams-"

"You've been non stop studying Nico, you need a break or you'll work yourself to death! Please come with me, it'll be fun!"
~

So since New Years was today, I was psyching myself up to go to another party.
I don't know why I gave in, but Will looked so excited when he was talking about going with me, and he said that he would rather me go than anyone else and... I don't know it seemed like I had too. If I didn't, who would I be with instead? Jenny and Carmen were going to Wills moms party, Will would be at the one he invited me to, and there's no chance in hell I was going to another Camilla party any time soon. That would be the worst decision I could make.
There was 2 hours until Will came to pick me up. I was antsy and anxious and worried and stressed so I decided that my best option was to have a bath in the dark, and scroll through tumblr for a bit.
Christmas was extremely helpful in this case, as Jenny went full out, buying me a ton of bath stuff. She said that baths were good stress relievers, and calmed you down, and that it was exactly what I needed, so now I had around 10 bath bombs, bubble bath soap, bath salts, 4 vanilla scented candles, and this cool tray thing that is long enough to rest on either side of the bath, with a back for your book or phone. Also a bath pillow so you can literally sleep (best invention in the world in my opinion).
I grabbed a black and gold bath bomb (that smelled like vanilla surprise surprise) , my candles and pillow and brought them to my bathroom.
I lit all of the candles and started the bath, plopping the bath bomb in, and got mesmerized by it. I sat on top of the toilet seat and watched until it was completely gone before stripping and relaxing into the tub. Everything smelt like vanilla, and I imagined that if heaven was real, it would smell exactly like this.
I sat for about two seconds before I realized I forgot to turn out the light so I hopped out as quickly as I could, shut it off, and then jumped in again. Then I took out my phone, and instead of scrolling through tumblr, I put some quiet music on, put my phone beside the bath and rested my head onto the pillow.
I wanted my brain to shut off, but it wouldn't. Half of it was filled with Bianca and Hades, and the other half was trying to concentrate on positive things, to get into a good mood.
My thoughts drifted to how, at the beginning of the year, I had zero friends whatsoever, I never talked to anyone other than Jenny, and I felt so completely alone, that one day, if I did leave, no one would care. I would stay up at night for hours, thinking about the fact that if I died, only one person would want to go to a funeral. And then I would think about the fact that I probably wouldn't have a funeral because no one cared enough to host one for me. No cared about me other than Jenny. Over the summer, I only left the foster home to see Jenny and occasionally get things from the store. And the rare walk to remember where I lived and that the world around me was in fact, still there.
Then grade 12 started, and miraculously, things started happening.
I met Will, which was probably one of the best things that have ever happened to me in my entire life. Then I made somewhat acquaintances at school, and helped someone from being bullied. I stood up to Caleb (sort of) and then, as if the universe finally decided I deserved something good in my life, after the years of shit that it gave me, Jenny adopted me before I got kicked out of the foster home. I actually felt like I belonged somewhere, where people loved me.
Now I can proudly say I would have a funeral if I died, and more than 1 person would attend it. I hope.
But as always, when there is a long string of good events in my life, it immediately means that when it ends, something equally as bad will hit me, and render me speechless.
With out realizing it, I had sat quietly doing nothing, in a dream like state for a whole hour and 15 minutes, and when Jenny knocked on the door to check on me, I almost jumped out of my skin.