Psychopath [solangelo au]

-How to be annoyed-

October 8th, 2017

I was sad. Really really sad.
It was Monday, obviously. They were the days I hated most because I had to go back to school.
Today I was extremely unmotivated and I hardly had the energy to get out of bed. All I wanted to do is lay in my warm little cocoon of blankets and contemplate the meaning of life. Isn't that edgy.

My alarm that I had put on snooze yelled at me again, jolting me out of my thoughts of literal nothing.  I turned it off while I held one had over my ears.
Another one of these days.
I had some days where my senses were put onto overdrive and everything was so much more than normal.
The tastes were stronger, touch harder and more flinch worthy, smells more powerful, colours brighter and the noise was unbearable. Everything was so much louder than normal and it hurt my brain and unusually sent me into panic mode.
When my senses get stronger, my rational part of my brain shuts off and I will automatically feel like I'm dying.
Usually to fix this I make the least amount of human contact physically possible, and keep my earbuds in almost all the time. During class I keep one in and put the other in if I need.
Most normally, I skip school, and a couple years ago, I would do things to make it go away. But not just the over sensitivity. All feelings.

I don't know why music helps, because it's just another loud sound. Jenny explained that when you have a sensory overload it makes first hand sounds loud as well as amplifying all background noises, hurting your mind. Music blocks all of that out and helps you focus on the lyrics and beat of the song, calming your mind.
I'm not sure it works so well, but I do it so I don't freak out or panic. That would be not so good.

I looked at my alarm clock and noticed I had just laid in my bed for so long I couldn't shower.
I groaned in pain, dragging myself out of the warmth of my bed and stretched. I immediately got dizzy and black spots danced in my vision so I could only see some parts of my room. This had happened every morning since I hit my head on Thursday.
I steadied myself on my bed, squeezing my eyes shut. I could feel my eyelashes brush on my cheeks as I blinked the stars out of my eyes.
I headed over to my closet and grabbed anything comfortable— my 10 sizes too big black sweatshirt with a tiny neck deep symbol on the top right side, and my only pair of loose black jeans, that weren't even that loose, but kind of looked like what girls called boyfriend jeans. I quickly ran my brush through my slightly greasy hair and scooped up my phone and ear buds from the floor. I put my music on shuffle and sighed in relief.

After packing my bag, I went to brush my teeth in the bathroom. With no noise to bug me, I felt calmer, although the mint toothpaste made my eyes water.
I stepped out to get my bag from my room and watched everyone running around the home, rushing to get ready for school. It looked like chaos, but I smiled nonetheless, because I didn't have to hear any of it.
I started walking to my room when my earbuds were ripped out painfully and the noise hit me like brick.

"You shouldn't be plugged in all of the time, greasy," Daren sneered a bad insult behind me. I felt tears well in my eyes. I was was so tired and he was so loud and my ears hurt. I wanted to turn and slap him then and there but instead I sniffed, and stiffly began putting my earbuds back in, but not fast enough to hear him ask accusingly,
"Oh my god you're not crying are you?"

I closed the door to my room silently and sat on my bed pulling my knees to my chest. That was my usual position I went in to calm myself down. I pressed my eyes into my knees.
I breathed deeply for a few seconds, then grabbed my bag and left through my window for no further distraction.

School wasn't much better. Probably worse.
There were so many people. So many that I hated. So many that didn't and never could understand.
So many shouts and yells and no mind to the 'psychopath' kid walking down the hall with red eyes and scowl on his lips.
I know the rumours. How can you not?
Psychopath, crazy, hears voices, does drugs, 'anorexic', will probably become a school shooter before the end of the year.
The feel of skin-on-skin started to get to me after the 4th person skimmed my hand so I pulled them into my sleeves and put my head down, glancing at the few students pointing at me. Another upside of the headphones, you can't hear the rumours being said behind your back.
I went to the bathroom before first class to splash water on my face and try to reduce the redness in my eyes so people don't also think I get high all the time. That's already a rumour, although I guess that one make more sense than the rest.