TW: mentions of suicide
Yoongi find the folder under my bed please.
At first I couldn't bring myself to do it, the wound was still fresh and it would be like putting salt into it. It would sting like fucking crazy.
I cried.
I cried when I found out you killed yourself. I didn't find you, luckily, your mother did. Apparently she had been visiting you every weekend since I left to check on you. She said you was slowly deteriorating.
She gave me the letter.
Your suicide letter.
I cried when I read it, thinking if I didn't leave you would still be alive. But as you said, it was your decision a door I couldn't change that.
So I learnt to live with that.
It was about a week after your death that I finally brought myself to go to your old apartment and find the folder.
Your mother gave me the key so I let myself in.
It was cold and dark. All the curtains were drawn shut. I pulled all of them open before I made my way to your bedroom. Your old bedroom
It was spotless.
The bed was made, all your clothes were put away, your desk was tidy and the room didn't look like it had someone living in it at all. Or should I say, used to be living in it.
Okay, that thought stung.
I made my way over to your bed and sat on it for a minute, debating whether to look for the folder or not.
You wanted me to do it, so I will.
I got up and laid down on the cream carpeted floor and looked under the bed, to where the said folder was supposed to be.
There it was. Pushed right into a corner, I almost missed it. I reached under and retrieved it, before getting back up and sitting back on the bed.
The folder was baby blue, your favourite colour.
With shaky hands I opened it up and looked at the contents which laid inside.
It was a load of your drawings that you had done in the last few months of your life. They were all dated on the back of them.
I picked up the pile slowly, as if it was going to disintegrate into thin air before me.
Flicking through all of them made me realise what leaving you really did to you. And also the things you were dealing with.
By the end I was sobbing my heart out at all of this.
I was right, it was like pouring salt into an open wound, but ten times worse.
My heart ached.
My eyes stung from crying.
My head hurt from thinking too much.
My hands were shaking.
My lips were raw from biting them.
But in my crying mess I realised there was still one drawing left in the folder.
With my shaky hands I picked it up and looked at it.
You are looking over me.
You said you would wait for me.
I looked up and out the window so I was looking at the now starry sky.
"Jimin. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop you. I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did. I'm sorry........ I'm sorry." I whispered, my voice breaking at the end as tears started to fall again.
"I love you. I'll never forget you. I hope we can be together again some day. I hope you will be waiting for me like you promised."
