Becoming Cody

Hi, my name is...

September 2nd

Hi, my name is Cody. I'm sixteen and this is my journal. I decided to start it because I keep everything inside. If I don't let it out I'm going to explode. I'm starting my sophomore year of high school tomorrow. I'm really excited to get back to school, it's the one place I get to be the real me. I just feel like I'm living a double life. When I'm at school I'm Cody. But when I'm home..I'm no longer Cody. I hate when people call me the wrong name. Can't they see I hate it? Can't they see me cringe everytime female pronouns are used? Why don't they see me? Anyway, I'm going to bed now. I got to get up early tomorrow...

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Kristen, it's time to get up baby girl."

I cringe as I hear that name being said. Kristen, who the fuck is that because it is not me. I rather be shot than be called that name. I open my eyes and look at my Mom. Some of you might know her. She use to be a goalkeeper for the United States Women's National Team, Hope Solo. She's retired now along with a lot of her teammates.

"Are you okay? Your eyes are red." Mom says.

She takes a closer look at me and I rub my eyes.

"Um yeah, it's probably just my allergies."

I know it's not my allergies. I did it again last night and cried myself to sleep after.

"Alright, well take your meds then come downstairs. Dad is making you and Kacee breakfast." Mom says.

She kisses the top of my head before leaving my room. Kacee is my twin sister, which is ironic because we are the furthest thing from twins. I get up and close, well more like slam the door if I'm being honest. My door opens again and Mom walks in.

"I told you about slamming doors in my house."

She leaves this time closing the door causing me to roll my eyes. I go to my bathroom and I look in the mirror. I see a stranger, I wish I saw me. I see hips that are too wide, a jawline that is barely visible, and a chest that's screaming to be flat. Dysphoria is slowly killing me but at least I have a binder that helps a little. I had to have my best friend order it for me because I couldn't have it sent to my house. I brush my teeth, wash my face, and go to my closet to pick out my outfit. I pick out a pair of khaki joggers, a black thrasher shirt, and a blue checkered flannel. My parents think I'm a tomboy when really I'm just a boy. I grab my bennie and tuck all my hair in it, my parents refuse to let me get my hair cut. So until I cut it snapbacks and bennies will have to suffice. I put on my black and white Vans before​ going downstairs. I walk into the kitchen and see Dad at the stove. Kacee is already sitting down eating her breakfast. I sit next to Kac causing her to look up from her phone.

"Are you coming to school with me or are you taking your skateboard?" Kacee asks.

Mom and Dad got us a car when we turned sixteen. I don't use it unless I have to.

"Have I ever not taken my skateboard to school?"

"Good point I'll see you there."

Kac gets up and heads out the door with both her bags on her back. She plays soccer and has been making progress to get on the youth National team.

"Good morning." Dad says.

I don't respond. Things between my Dad and I haven't been going well. He doesn't like the way I dress but who gives a fuck? I don't like the way he yells at my Mom. I start eating my waffles while scrolling through social media. When I'm done I get up and grab my bag from my room along with my skateboard.

"Have a good day at school." Mom says.

"Thanks I'll try." I mumble.

"Kristen, if your Mom has to come to your school again you're going to have me to deal with." Dad says.