Becoming Cody

You Think I Forgot...

I'm currently sitting in a kitchen in a rental house in England talking to Mom and Carli. Carli got called back to her former club team, Manchester City to do a few promotions. The National team wants players to go across seas to play, so they can gain experience. Speaking of soccer, the video of me playing went viral. Mom and Carli have gotten calls from club teams who wanted me to come to try out. But I turned them all down, I don't like to talk about it. This whole thing just put a wedge between Kac and I which was the last thing I wanted to happen. On a more positive note, Mal's birthday is in two days and I'm here. This is Mal's first birthday since we've been together. I want to be there for her.

"Mom just let me go back! There are no reasons for me to be here. I can't be with my girlfriend on her birthday." I plead.

"Cody I don't know okay! Just let me think about it." Mom says.

Mom runs a hand through her hair, she's stressed. Every time she's stressed out and is trying to calm down she runs her hands through her hair. I guess Carli has noticed this as well. She goes over and wraps her arms around Mom pulling her in for a hug. Mom lays her head on Carli's shoulder.

I look at Kac and she motions for me to follow her. I nod then get up and follow Kac to the elevator. She's been texting someone lately and smiling a lot at her phone.

"Okay spill." I say.

"What?" Kac asks.

"You're smiling at your phone like I do when Mal texts me. What gives?"

Kac laughs and then shakes her head.

"Her name is Madison and we met online. We've been talking for a few weeks and she lives in Texas." Kac explains.

Kac shows me a picture of Madison and she looks familiar but I don't remember where I recognize her from.

"She's pretty. I'm happy for you."

Kac mumbles thanks and looks at the floor. Seeing her all flustered about her crush makes me smile. We get off the elevator and head down the hall to the gym. Ever since that day with Ali and Ashlyn, I've been taking my fitness more seriously. I look in the mirror and smile because I've been putting in the work.

"Okay you have a nice body we get it. Now pull your shirt down and let's get to work." Kac says.

I nod and put my wireless beats on. I've got a personal trainer because I want to continue to build muscle. He likes to say, "feed the muscle, starve the fat." I've also gotten introduced to CrossFit which is insane but in a good way. I'm just taking my overall physical health into my own hands. Working out and building muscle helps so much with dysphoria. My hips make me so dysphoric and working out has made them smaller. My binder that was once lung-crushing is now looser so I can take a proper breath. I do my normal routine but slightly modified it because I don't have the same equipment here. One mile run, sixty push-ups, fifty dips, forty handstand push-ups, and thirty bench presses at 155 lb. I look over at Kac and watch her as she wraps up her workout. We both do some stretching and a cool down before getting back on the elevator and heading upstairs.

"Oh my god is that us smelling like that?" Kac asks.

I take a whiff and gag making Kac laugh. I take out my phone and tell Kac to flex before taking a picture and posting it to Instagram.

CodyAlexander: Twin goals 💪🏽

We get back to the apartment and good thing there are two showers. Before I get in I look at myself in the mirror. A lot of the body fat I use to have is gone and it's mainly muscle now. I wish I could have top surgery and go on T sometime soon. I shake the thoughts away and get in the shower letting the water relax my muscles. I get out and I fix my hair before going to the kitchen. Mom and Carli made lunch turkey subs, fruit, and veggies. Kac comes into the kitchen with her hair wrapped in a towel.

"Okay so we need you guys to finish eating and get ready so we can leave in the two hours." Mom says.

"Yeah and wear shorts and a soccer jersey. Whatever bottoms you want just make sure you have a soccer jersey on." Carli says.

Kac and I agree and finish eating and head to our room. We had to share a room because the house only has two rooms, which wasn't a big deal. We've had to share a room before and the room has two beds in it.

"Wear the jersey Mom gave you. I'm going to wear mine let's be twins." Kac says.

I nod my head and look at Kac. Damn, that put me in my feelings and was cute. We both put on the jerseys mom gave us. The red USWNT uniform the goalkeepers wore in the 2015 Women's World Cup final. We match it with black Nike sweatpants and black Roshe sneakers. We walk out of the room and into the living room. Carli and Mom are talking and when Carli sees us she smiles. Mom tunes around and stares at us before covering her face.

"Awe you guys look so cute." Carli says.

Mom walks over and pulls us in for a hug. We don't dress like twins too often but when we do she's got like this. I don't have too much to do to my hair and I don't wear makeup so I'm done first. I sit on the couch decide to scroll through Twitter. I see some people are tweeting about me leaving Mal for her birthday. Post after posting asking where I am. If I'm coming for Mal's birthday and why Mal is even dating me. There's a lot of people calling me a bad boyfriend. The time difference here makes it hard to talk to Mal. Her sister also came to visit her so we haven't talked much this trip. Maybe I am a bad boyfriend. Does Mal feel this way? I get off the couch and go sit in the chair on the balcony. I pull out my phone and facetime Mal.
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Mal: Hey babe!

Me: Hey love! What are you doing?

Mal: Actually, I'm about to go out with Bri. She wants to take me on a sister's day it's an early birthday gift.

Me: Awe babe that's so nice! Go have fun and hang out with your sister. We can talk later.

Mal: Okay babe I love you.

Me: I love you too.

When I end the call I feel like everything just hits me. All the bad things I've ever thought are just there. I move my bracelets a little and see my scars. They aren't as visible as they use to be but if you look close enough you'll see them.

"Hey, what's going on?"

I turn around and see Carli is standing in the doorway. I just look at Carli and then turn around and look back at the sky. I hear footsteps and when I look up Carli is sitting on the chair across from me.

"Um, I'm just not feeling too good." I say.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Carli asks.

"No, I just." I sigh and stop talking. How do you explain to someone what's wrong when you don't even know?

"I could talk to your Mom and see if she'll let you stay here."

I just nod and look back at the sky. How come I didn't notice that this view in front of me is amazing? I feel a hand on my shoulder and look back. Mom sits where Carli was and I just look at the ground.

"Carli says you weren't feeling well."

I just nod my head.

"What do you need right now?"

I just shake my head and pull my knees up to my chest. Why are words so hard?

"Okay, well you can stay here and we'll be back soon. I'm not sure when but we'll try to be quick. If you need us just call okay."

I just nod my head and look back at the sky. Mom sits next to me and wraps her arms around me. She kisses my forehead before going back into the house. I hear people speaking before the door shuts. The door shutting was like a trigger being pulled because I feel a tear fall down my face. I'm soon sobbing and my entire body is shaking. Help me.