If I stay

Dr. Min

   I look at myself in the mirror. Physically, every part of me has changed. I've lost a substantial amount of weight, only to regain that and a few more pounds because of the baby. My eyes are dull and nearly lifeless. I think my skin is paler, but I could understand why. I never go outside. I can, Alex has said so but why go out there when there's nothing for me? I can't find happiness here. Not like I had with Ryan and North. They seem to weigh heavier on my mind with each passing second.

Mentally, I've changed all except for the fact that I know who I love and where I want to be. I will not help anyone anymore. Look where being kind has gotten me. Pregnant. I don't know what to feel about being pregnant. I know I'm not allowed to love this baby. It'd be too hard to give it up. I already love it regardless of who the father is. The baby is still a part of me, and it shares my blood. I can't just not love it nor could I pretend to not love it. A baby is a baby. It's a human being who hasn't done anything wrong. Nothing, not even the sick bastards in the business could change my mind about loving a child.

I was wrong about the world. I thought that if you put good into it, good would come out. Somewhere in between there it got twisted, I guess. I should have remembered the first two times I was taken. Those were worse than now, most definantly. Alex hasn't done anything to abuse his power to me. Like beating me, or starving me. Which I guess is a good thing.

It dawns on me that, as long as I've been here I've stayed alive. I need to think the greater power above for that. Things always get worse before they get better. At least, that's what Gloria would tell me from time to time. I miss her smiling face, and the way she sways to old music when they air it on a television commercial. Like the progressive commercials.

For awhile, I think about Gloria. Some of her joke pop up in my head and I internally laugh. I hear a echo of my laugh in my head, like a live memory playing back to me. It feels real, but I know that it is not. Momentarily, I get upset. Then I remind myself to not be sad. I know that I'll be home soon, and I just have to keep on going until that day comes. Until that day comes however, I'll be missing them.

"Ryan," I breathed, placing my glass next to me. He shook his head and continued what he wanted to say.

"I've already fallen for you." His breathing was ragged, and his face came inches from mine. Slowly, he pressed his lips to mine and I didn't stop him.

The memory was short as I thought about it, but I kept thinking of the events the night Ryan and I shared our first kiss. I was afraid of him. Hell, I was terrified that he was going to hurt me like everyone else had. I didn't want anything to do with him at that time, but now is a totally different story. I want him to do everything with me. I feel angry at myself that I didn't fight harder the day I was taken and sold as property. I could have fought harder, and even longer. Suddenly, I regret every argument I got into with Ryan, or Grace, or even Gloria. None of them deserved it. Not a single second of it. They still wanted me around. No matter how big of a mess I was, or how big of a mess I made. They loved me.

I almost forgot what it feels like to be loved. I'm not even sure what it's like to feel cared for. The only emotion that I seem to really know is loneliness and missing someone so badly. It's been so long since I've hugged someone that I need a hug from. That I long to receive a hug from.

I miss everyone back in America. Ryan, North, Lucas- everyone comes to my mind. I miss the entire pack, and being surrounded by people who I truly care about. I need it. More than anything else in this world. I need home. Home is where the heart is, people say. My heart is with my family, and I'm a long way from home.

He pressed me against the wall. His plump pink lips trailed down my jaw line and his teeth grazed along my neck. "Say it." He hissed.
"I-I'm yours."
His teeth sunk into my collar bone, and I felt tears prick my eyes. It hurt like a bitch, and I wasn't exactly good with pain. I stood there without squirming, and the pain soon turned into a pleasure. He treated it like he had done it before, until the bleeding finally stopped.