The Malec Chronicles

Alec's Officially Gay

"It's not that I'm ashamed of you,"  Alec had said for what felt like the millionth time, holding his hands out to beckon Magnus back, to have him come back to him, just so Alec can hold Magnus in his arms and bury his face in his neck and pretend that nothing outside of this room matters.  "You're perfect.  And you're the best,"  He struggles for the words, wants to find something meaningful, something kind, some explanation that will finally make Magnus see.  He spits out his next sentence like its something ugly, even if he didn't mean to.  The explanation falters.  "It's just that everyone else... I don't want to be gay."

Magnus sighs, his head dropping to rest in his hands, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms, just like he does every time the two of them have this conversation.  Alec thinks he should get credit just for admitting the fact that he's gay, saying it out loud, having to listen as the words hang in the empty air between them.  There was a long time where, even as he ate dinner here and spent the night here and drank coffee in the mornings here, that he would go back to the Institute with the words I'm not gay, I'm not gay, this is not a real thing pounding in his thoughts in time with the rhythm of his feet.  He's not really sure who he was trying to convince.  Now, at least, he's accepted that he's gay and is left in a quiet state of panic and paranoia about it, all the damn time.  "I just don't see why you feel the need to hide me away!"

"It's not you I want to hide!"  His hands are shaking, so he balls them up into fists.  "It's me!"

And god, if that's not the truest thing he's ever said in his entire life.  That's what he's spent his entire life doing, first hiding behind Isabelle because she was pretty, pretty in the way that shattered glass glinting in the sunlight was pretty, something you wanted to draw close to but would cut you the first chance she got.  It was easy back then, to be the responsible older brother to her wild whims, and when Jace came along, this gleaming dagger of a boy who was out to hurt himself and others with equal abandon, he found it easy to lose himself in the wave of his two siblings, drawn helplessly along, always in the background.  He stepped aside, letting them become the favorite children, letting Max look to them as idols, letting them take up all of the adult's attention.  He walks around with his eyes on the ground and shoulders hunched, in sweaters that have gone through wash one too many times, and doesn't expect people to look at him like something that matters. He's scared, sometimes, that if he looks too long they'll see the truth of him and he wouldn't be able to take that, he'll die if they look at him and tell him that he's something wrong, that they can fix him, that he can ignore it if he just tries hard enough.

Well he's done trying.  He proves it, storming over to Magnus and grabbing onto his shirt, pulling at him with enough force to lift him off the couch and into his arms.  They're colliding into each other, and this type of kissing is not gentle like it usually is- normally Magnus holds back, lets Alec fumble through the motions when he wants to take the lead and then fall back into the comfort of Magnus' when he becomes unsure, treats him like something that may break if he pushes too far.  Today, though, he wants to be broken, wants pain, and he suddenly understands why Jace does what he does when gets upset.   Magnus seems to know where this sudden intensity is coming from, and after a moment of riding the wave of Alec's anger (he's not sure who he's angry at, he's not even angry, really, just sad) he pushes him away and stares at him with something like disappointment.  "You can't hide this.  You can't change who you are."

"No,"  He spits, the words seeping out of him.  He had been desperate to get away from his family just a few hours ago, and the only place he could think of was to go find Magnus.  When everyone else seemed to be pushing and pulling for his attention, throwing him deep into an ocean of problems only to leave him to drown, Magnus felt like a life raft.  Now, though, the loft that had once been one place of comfort has turned cold, and it's strangling him.  He can feel everything rising up in him, the need to please them all at the same time, and knowing that making even a single one of them truly happy would just destroy someone else.

"Or maybe," Magnus said, turning into the show version of himself, adopting that casual, light voice he uses when he's looking to fight and wound, "this is about Jace.  Maybe you don't want to ruin your chances with him, and still believe there's a part of him that loves you like you loved him. But let me tell you darling,"  At least, Alec thought, Magnus had shown a small bit of kindness and used the word loved, as in past tense. But the word darling, which he usually spoke with such affection, was laced with something cold and hurtful.  "He's never, ever going to feel the same way as you, so you might as well take what you can get."

Alec reeled back as if he had been hit, trying to find something just as hateful to yell back.  "It's not about Jace!" His voice cracked on Jace's name. They were both standing up now, yelling at each other from opposite sides of the room.  Even though they'd had this conversation before, it'd normally been in the tone of a calm, rational, albeit frustrated discussion.  Now it was a full out fight, the first one they'd had.  Alec felt like he could actually sense the relationship between them crumbling, and he couldn't have that, not when Magnus was the one person he was sure that actually like him, despite everything.  The panic hits him like a demon tail straight in the chest, and his breathing comes a little faster.  There's a lump in his throat now, and with a mixture of embarrassment and alarm, he felt the tears gather in his eyes. 

"Then what's it about?"  Magnus was yelling, and he was angry, so angry, angry enough to lose control and let a few blue sparks fly off of his fingers.

"I'm scared!"  Alec cries out, and there's a part of him that notices that he's actually crying now.  He notices it in a detached, clinical way, noting vaguely that this has never happened before and maybe he should take a break and calm down.  "I'm scared, Magnus."  He sinks down onto the couch, completely exhausted.  Magnus probably wouldn't have looked more shocked even if Alec had confessed to being in love with clary.  When Alec spoke, there was an emptiness to his voice that had Magnus hurrying towards him.  "They'll hate me."

"They won't."

"You say that, but you know it isn't true.  Once I admit to this, it won't matter how good of a fighter I am, or any skill of my own, they'll still just see the fact that I'm a guy who likes guys and nothing else.  Izzy won't, Jace'll get over it, but my dad?  My dad won't be able to look at me.  And I can't stomach telling my mom, I've always been the easy kid, this is going to cause her so much trouble."

"What about Max?"  It seems that Magnus couldn't bring himself to say that the Lightwood parents would accept their son as he was.  Magnus never was much for lies.

"Max,"  The word sounded like it was physically painful to say.  "You think I'm going to let him grow up with me as a brother?  To have everyone he meets know that his brother is a-,

He meant to call himself a word, one that was an awful name to say.  It was something he used to whisper to himself in the mirror, a word laced with enough poison and hatred to make him go to the training room and fling himself off of the rafters until he couldn't find the strength to even stand, but it still never changed the fact that he was gay, never stopped him from hating what he was.  He's crying in earnest now, right there on Magnus' couch.  Alec can't believe he's been reduced to this.  "I can't tell them."

"I know."  Magnus' cat eyes flashed, and he pulled Alec off the couch and onto the floor instead, gathering him up into his arms. 

"I'm sorry."

When Magnus sighed, he sounded as old as he truly was.  "I know that, too."