The Malec Chronicles

Worrying

He spends the night at Magnus' again.

It's become sort of  a routine between them now that Alec has his own key, for him to come over whenever he thinks Jace and Izzy won't need him, and just stay the night.  They don't ever do anything, nothing of the things that would make Jace smirk or Izzy ask for all the details, even if they do stay in the same bed.  They do other things, though, that make Alec feel like maybe the stuff they haven't done yet isn't as important as everyone says it is- things like cooking overly complicated meals together in a kitchen lit only by the setting sun, or dancing in the living room to all of Magnus' favorite slow songs, or occasionally going out to rescue a downworlder that's gotten themselves in trouble and return so tired that they can barely make it to the bed.

So when Izzy asked him this afternoon, he hadn't been lying when he said that he and Magnus had never done anything worth reporting back to her about.  There was a piece of him that had wanted to ask her for advice on the whole issue, because as much as he hates to think about it, the physical aspect of relationships is something that his little sister has plenty of experience with.  But the other part of him realizes that he might be horrified to hear exactly how much experience she has, and can't stomach the idea of admitting out loud that he's nervous, and scared, and has no idea what to do, and really hopes that he might be able to push away even the thought of going any further than kissing when he and Magnus are alone together. 

Like now, when they're lying beside each other on the bed and Magnus is tracing patterns onto his back, leaving Alec to guess the word or the rune or demonic symbol.  He's beyond relieved that he never makes a move to do anything else.  It's good knowing that whatever Alec wants Magnus will give, but he never expects Alec to give more than he's willing to offer.  So most of the time he's grateful for this, for Magnus' ability to somehow sense that if Alec isn't even ready for the conversation he's certainly not ready for the action, but the realization that he's been kinda sorta dating this beautiful man for a long while and he hasn't done anything to prove that he's actually someone that's mature enough to be kept around is troubling.

Alec is relieved and grateful, yes, but the thought that all Magnus seems to be intent on doing is sleep is also causing a bubble of panic in his chest, and a twisting in his stomach he would rather not be there at all.  It makes him think that maybe, just maybe, he's doing something wrong.  That maybe there's a deadline for these things, one that he's quickly approaching, and once that day passes Magnus might start to rethink the whole idea of dating a guy as shy and unsure as Alec is.

The kind of guy who's so shy and unsure that he can barely bring himself to reach out and hold his hand while they're in public, let alone do all the things he's thinking about but really has no idea how to do.

"You alright?"  Magnus says, poking him hard in the back.  "I've drawn like seven pentagrams without you noticing."

"Yeah."  Alec didn't want to think of the day when Magnus got tired of the waiting, of the constant reassurances.  Of the day when he would start to look back on all the past lovers and realize that Alec simply doesn't measure up, and start to look toward future ones who would be better.  Who would be able to hold his hand in public, and wouldn't need Magnus to take the lead in everything.  "Just tired."