The Malec Chronicles

Fearless

Magnus is still tired.

But its in the good way this time, the kind of tired that happens when you've actually gone out and done something, something real, something good.  It's the ache in his muscles and the fuzz in his head and the continued sputtering and dying of his magic that makes him remember, but he still drags himself out of bed (which contains one less Alexander than it had the night before) and drags himself to the windows.  They're open, letting the sunlight stream in, and he thinks that that must be what had caused him to wake up in the first place.

"Sorry."  A voice comes from behind him, sheepish and exhausted.  It's Alec, standing with a mug of coffee in his hand, shirtless and in one of Magnus' pairs of sweatpants.  Magnus doesn't remember giving it to him, and feels an odd sort of pleasure at the thought that Alec felt comfortable enough to rummage through his extraordinary closet in order to find what he wanted.  "I woke up last night and couldn't sleep, so I pulled the curtains apart to be able to see outside.  Didn't think to close them."

"That's alright."  And it was alright, because Alec had stayed.  Alec had not ran away from them again.  "Doing some late night stargazing?"

"Not exactly."  Alec gave a wry smile and settled back onto the bed, balancing the coffee in one hand and burrowing deeper into the pillows at the same time.  "I was still wired up.  Part of me was still looking for things to fight."

"I've got wards up on the entire building, darling,"  Magnus said, waving a hand airily, but he knew the feeling.  He knew what it was to go from something horrible to something safe, to keep looking corners for shadows that were not here, and checking under the bed for monsters that would never, ever appear.  But for Alec, the monsters would always be there.  Magnus gets out of bed and starts to change into something other than his battle ruined gear, leaving items of clothing strewn about the room as he did so.  "You're safe here.  Nothing to be afraid of."

The thought of being afraid makes Alec wrinkle his nose a little, but both of their eyes are drawn to the pale silver that had been Clary's fearless rune traced onto his skin.  Magnus remembered how he hadn't seemed different at first, if a little more relaxed, but then his parents walked in and things changed- Alec, holding an arm out to Magnus, smiling and happy, beaming as he attempted to introduce his parents to his magical boyfriend.  He was pleased to do it, excited, which made the whole thing even worse.  It gave a whole new meaning to the day when Alec told Magnus that he wanted to tell but was just too scared, but what Magnus had brushed off as another excuse or hope that Jace might still look at him as more than a friend, was actually the truth.  Alec was horribly, incredibly afraid of his parents finding out about who he was.  And that fear did not mean that he was weak, or that he loved Magnus any less.

It just meant that he had his reasons for not telling anyone about Magnus, reasons that went deeper than Magnus thought they would, and the warlock would have done better to listen.

Magnus stares at this boy stretched out before him, a being descended from angels that had decided to love him in his own unique, slightly closeted way, and sighed.  It was a sad sigh, one that had Alec looking at him worriedly before he even spoke.  "We need to talk."

Alec sat up, all previous signs of being relaxed gone.  "We do?" He blinked, and set the coffee down slowly, like he was bracing himself for the worst.  "What about?"

"About what happened the other day, with the fearless rune."  Magnus sat down on the bed, far enough away that it felt like there was still space between them, but still close enough for either of them to reach out and touch the other. 

"We don't."  Alec laughed, and his cheeks heated.  He wasn't making eye contact anymore either.  "We really, really don't."

"I just..."  Magnus struggled for words.  He had no problem with finding them, but it was finding the right ones, the ones that might do some good and actually mean something that was the trouble.  It was so hard to say what you actually want to.  "It's okay that you're scared."

"I'm not scared."  Alec said, the words flying out automatically.  Magnus supposed that was just the shadowhunter way, to deny fear even when there was no possible way to avoid it. 

"You are.  And it's okay.  I didn't tell you that before, because I was too busy thinking about myself, but it's alright if you aren't ready to tell them yet."  Alec was staring down at his hands, tracing the voyance rune over and over with his finger.  "I'm okay if your parents don't know about us.  I don't care if you're not ready to shout about us from the rooftops.  I won't feel hurt, or get angry, if you have to lie to your parents about where you go when you're with me."

"I said I was sorry,"  Alec said, miserably, wretchedly, looking very tired and very much like he wants to go back onto that boat and fight more demons rather than have this conversation.

"And I'm saying you don't have to be."  Magnus reached out, pulling Alec towards him.  He hesitated at first, but then must have decided that he actually does want to be near him, because a second later he had a lapful of Alec.  "Do you remember much about having that rune put on you?"

"No."

"You looked so happy.  You were excited to tell your parents about me, and you were proud of it, like there was nothing in this world you wanted then for them to look at me and be happy about it to."  Magnus took a deep breath, wondering if being exhausted made him more sentimental, or if he was always like this and last night's circumstances just made him more likely to act on it.  "And I know you're not scared of telling your parents.  You're scared of them looking at you and not being as happy as you need them to be."

Alec made a sound that might of been a sigh of relief, but it was equally possible that it was the cry of a wounded animal.  "You can't promise me that they're going to be happy."

"No,"  Magnus said, wishing that he could but knowing it will do no good to lie when Alec knows the truth.  "I can't."

They sat in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of the city outside the building, watching the sun shine brighter and its rays stretch across the room.  "I told you it wasn't because of you,"  Alec said, reaching out to grab his hand.  "I'd never be scared of anything about you."

Magnus just linked their fingers together.  Part of him wishes that things were different, even if it meant that he could not know Alec like this.  Wishes that he were straight, and happy, and as confident and self assured as he has every right to be.  "I just want you to be happy, whatever it takes."

"I am happy,"  Alec said, reaching out impossibly far and yanking the curtains over the window.  He burrows back down into the blankets, still ready to sleep despite what must have been his third cup of coffee. "Just like this."