Fire and Brimstone and Cookies [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book II]

Chapter V

HAVING HUNG UP THE GLITTERY MULTI-DIMENSION-O-PHONE, the Devil looked at Theo, folded his hands on the desk in front of him, and smiled that wicked smile. He no longer looked like a harried accountant; he looked like a spare and handsome businessman of indeterminate specialization, in whose office one would not like to find oneself.

Theo found himself in his office, and he did not like being there. Not one bit.

"Have we a deal, Theo, old chap?" asked the Devil.

What choice did Theo have? (The answer is no choice, Dear Reader. None.)

The Devil reached across the desk, and Theo reached across the desk, and they gave one another's hand a good, firm, manly shake. Then the Devil looked at Bihatra and said, "You're going with him, of course."

"What!" Bihatra and Theo exclaimed in unison.

"He'll need watching—not only to ensure his compliance with our bargain, but also because he's scrawny. An old woman with a duster could kill him. Make sure he stays out of trouble, and help him find Paula's corpse so he can ..." the Devil wiggled his fingers in a dismissive gesture. "Once all that's done, her soul will pass again into judgment, and this time I'll be there—in person—to catch it before it floats Upstairs."

"Boss! I'm not going to be subtle, trotting along at this idiot's side. Can't you get one of your servants on the surface to watch him? You've got criminals and worshipers and presidents—"

Theo bristled at the words. Watch him. He was not a child, a dog, or a performance artist; he needed no watching. He considered opening his mouth to say as much, but decided against it; it did not seem wise to get in the middle of a spat between the Devil and a demoness.

"Take on a disguise," the Devil said with exaggerated patience. "You got him into this mess, Bihatra. I'm not too miffed about it, since he's convenient to us now, but the fact remains that you broke the rules. Consider this your punishment."

Bihatra let out her breath in a sharp exhalation and rose to her hooves. "Fine. I'll do my best not to kill him again."

"If you do, you'll find your quotas raised, Bihatra," said the Devil. He reached for one of the ledgers precariously stacked to one side of his desk. "Well, then! I think that concludes our meeting, my friends. Best of luck on your journey back to the mortal plane—and in all your necromantic pursuits. I'll be waiting for good news. Toodle-oo."

Bihatra talked toward the door, not waiting for Theo. He slid out of his chair. The Devil had already selected a new No. 2 pencil and was studiously chewing it as he bent his head over the ledger, so Theo did not think it prudent to interrupt him with a farewell. He crept out of the office.

The Devil's office was situated in a breathtakingly high office building. The demoness—his new companion, apparently—was heading down the polished hallway. Theo followed her, glancing up periodically to read the names on the frosted glass of the office doors they passed. The names were full of consonants and threats, and each was succeeded by a chilling job title, such as Executive Tormentor of Practitioners of Deceit or Assistant to the General of the Legions of Hell.

At last, just as Theo was working himself up to asking Bihatra where in Hell they were, the demoness drew to a stop in front of a shining set of doors. There were no handles.

"What's this?" Theo asked, unwisely. "Are we visiting someone else?"

Bihatra shot him a disgusted glance. "No." She reached out one talon to press the up arrow. "This is one of the entrances to your disgusting plane of existence. Unless you want to go back to the Mouth of Hell?"

Theo recalled the long, very hot walk. "Er, no."

There was a ding! and a circular panel above the shining doors lit up. Theo watched, perplexed, as the doors opened of their own accord. "Then shut up and get in," Bihatra said, and Theo did.