Fire and Brimstone and Cookies [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book II]

Chapter XIII

ONE COMPLETELY UNEVENTFUL FLYING LAWN MOWER RIDE LATER, Theo and Bihatra found themselves hovering in the air above the quaint Midwestern town of Pinkleton.

From above, Pinkleton reminded Theo a bit of Barenn. Sort of. It was several dozen times smaller. There were horseless cabbages rolling around the streets. There were no porcine pedestrians to be seen; in fact, the only pig was the water tower itself, which had been painted a nauseating bubblegum pink and outfitted with bolted-on metal ears and a ridiculous corkscrew tail.

What you mean to say is that it's not much like Barenn at all, Theo?

"I'm certain there's a Hidden Library of Mysteries somewhere, and that little shop there must be an apothecary. Do you think they'll have black candles?"

...So, in reality, Pinkleton was not very much like Barenn.

With a few carefully-judged incantations, Theodosius directed the lawn mower to alight gracefully in the city park. The lawn mower mostly ignored him and crashed instead, because it was in the toddler stages of its enchanted lifespan and was not very good at listening to instructions.

As the burning lawn mower glowed merrily behind them, Theo and Bihatra extracted themselves from the dirt ruts into which they had been forced by their dramatic impact with the earth. Dusting herself off, Bihatra assumed her diminutive disguise again, this time dressed in the khaki and orange outfit of a Maple Leaf Scout.

"Remind me to kill you again," she said with ill temper, which is how she said almost everything.

"Okay," Theo mumbled miserably, which is how he mumbled almost everything.

"Now, Hell's records indicated that there were two cemeteries in this town. We had better get started if we're going to find this chick's moldering bones before I lose it completely and re-kill you ahead of schedule."

Theo had a suspicion that Stan would not like it if Bihatra re-killed the only necromancer in the realms of life or death, but he also had a suspicion that reminding Bihatra of this would be unwise. "What do we do with the lawn mower?" he asked instead, looking back at the blazing green lump of metal and melting rubber.

Bihatra gave Theo a flat look. She snapped her fingers. A new merit badge appeared on the long sash draped from her shoulder to her hip. It featured a lump of twisted green metal and read, ADVANCED LITTERING.

Without further comment, Theo fell into step behind Bihatra, and they trudged off in what he hoped was the general direction of one of the cemeteries. He had the leisure to observe her merit badges more thoroughly than he had when she had visited him in his cottage at the End of the World, and was thus reassured that this would not be Bihatra's first grave-robbing rodeo.

***

Seventy-two hours later, Theodosius lay on his back in the neatly trimmed grass of the PINKLETON MEMORIAL CEMETERY, gazing up at the sky. Various parts of his body were engaged in an intense debate about which one of them was in the most pain.

"I don't understand," Bihatra said. She was perched without a modicum of reverence on the slumped shoulders of an especially dramatic mourning angel statue. "Our records indicated that Paula Wolfe's remains are in the town of Pinkleton."

"I've been through both of these cemeteries fourteen times," Theo said.

"She's got to be here somewhere."

"I've been through both of these cemeteries fourteen times."

"You weren't looking hard enough. Go back to First Lutheran and—"

"I've been through both of these cemeteries fourteen times while you waited here. Maybe you should go back to First Lutheran and look!" Theo propped himself up onto his elbows and scowled at Bihatra. He knew it was unwise to quarrel with her, but he couldn't hear his own good judgment over the screaming of his knees and ankles. "I'm exhausted!"

"You need to get back into shape," Bihatra said.

"I've never been in shape!"

"What's your brilliant suggestion, then?" she snapped. "You can't raise someone from the dead without her body!"

"I am certainly not arguing fundamentals with you, but if her body isn't in the cemetery, her body isn't in the cemetery. Looking for the fifteenth time won't change that. Maybe she wasn't buried here, or maybe she hasn't been buried yet, or maybe—"

A look of almost epiphanic realization crossed Bihatra's adorable face, and Theo stopped talking, torn between curiosity and alarm. Bihatra's eyes went wide. Her mouth dropped open. She sat perfectly still. Then, she leapt off of the angel statue, clutching one of her braids in each hand and tugging in exhilarated urgency. "I know! She must have been cremated, Theo!"

"Cremated?" Theo echoed, wrinkling his nose.

"It's a method of body disposal in which the corpse is burnt to ashes. They take the chunks of bone and grind them up into a fine powder and a big ol' bag of ashes back home to the family, which means—"

Theo, who had until his own untimely demise kept his wife's corpse in a glass coffin in his dining room, was absolutely unjustified in looking as disgusted as he did at this new nugget of information about life on Earth.

"—that what's left of Paula Wolfe must be with one of her family members. Let's just hope they haven't gone and tossed her ashes off a mountain top or some other kind of sentimental crap. Come on."

Still wearing an expression of horror, Theo hurried to keep up with Bihatra. "Where are we going?"

"The library."