Fire and Brimstone and Cookies [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book II]

Chapter VI

THERE ARE VERY FEW UNIVERSAL RULES in our world, rules that hold true through the ages and all across the land. One of these rules is that riding in an elevator is always exceedingly uncomfortable, no matter with whom one rides, where one chooses to stand, or what footwear one has worn for the day.

Theodosius didn't know this universal rule quite yet. He had never seen an elevator before. He watched with some confusion as the doors slid closed without a sound.

"What—what is this?" he asked.

Bihatra glanced at him. "It's an elevator."

"Oh." Suddenly, the tiny, carpeted box jerked, and Theo had the sensation of moving, although he saw nothing around him that suggested this was so. Theo staggered, flinging his arm out to catch himself on the wall with much more drama than the movement of the elevator demanded.

Was he being elevated? He could not tell, but he could tell that Bihatra was not afraid. Drawing himself up with more courage than he felt, Theo tried not to be, either. They stood in silence in opposite corners of the elevator, both of them looking at the doors. Theo was not sure how to stand or where to put his hands. He flicked his gaze nervously at Bihatra once or twice, then settled for staring at the floor as if deep in thought. 

After several minutes, the elevator dinged again and the doors slid open. Theo looked up just in time to see something large and yellow whisk past the door. He flinched and yelped. Bihatra did not seem perturbed, however. As she stepped out of the elevator, a larger object, this one red, came hurtling past the doors.

Cringing, Theo followed Bihatra out. As soon as he had stepped onto the street, he heard the silvery doors swick! quietly shut behind him.

They were standing on a paved path running alongside a wide street. Also running along the street were gigantic carriages with no horses to pull them. The carriages were painted a variety of colors, some of them sensible—black, beige, white—and some of them vivid and alarming—yellow, red, bright blue. Theo watched, his jaw hanging somewhere around his collarbone, as these gigantic fabrications sped past them.

"You look like a hobo," Bihatra said. "We're going to have to get you something else to wear."

Theo put the alarming horseless carriages on hold in his mind and turned to tell his companion that looking like a hobo, whatever that was, was much better than looking like a horned-and-hooved demoness if one were trying to lie low, but when he did, there was no one there. He blinked at the empty air where Bihatra's face had been, and then lowered his gaze down and down and down until he saw the small, dusky face of the girl who had come to sell cookies at his cottage at the End of the World in his first novelette.

"Please just call it a book!" Theo snapped, looking up at the sky. "I don't want anything ending in -ette applied to me."

Sorry, Theo—I forgot.

Theo turned his attention back down and down and downward to the demoness, who had become a girl. "What ..."

"Sweetbriar, remember?" Bihatra said. She smoothed the front of the daisy-patterned dress she wore. "Maple Leaf Scout. A very good disguise for your world, and for this one, too. Come on."

"This one? This world?" Theo looked back at the street, over which the huge carriages were still hurtling at breakneck speeds.

"Yes, dummy. This is Earth."

"Earth?" As they turned up the street, Theo had a moment to view his surroundings in a deeper level of detail. The buildings on either side of the street were like nothing he had ever seen before. Some of them appeared to be made of metal, others of a curious red, rectangular stone. There were people walking up and down the street and in and out of the buildings whose signs Theo could not read. Most of them wore strange blue leggings and brightly-colored shirts with short sleeves.

"Just stop asking questions. I'm already sick of you," said Bihatra.

"Your daughter is so cute!"

Theo turned his head and saw a woman who looked quite a bit like Mildred advancing toward them, her arms spread. He said, "Uh."

The woman bent and reached out to pinch Bihatra's cheek. Her face went slack and she jerked her hand back. "Ouch! Sir, I think she has a fever—and a high one, too! You should get her to a doctor right away!"

"A doctor. Right. That's where we're going," said Theo.

"Here. I'll call you a cab—it'll be much quicker!" said the woman. She turned to face the street and raised an arm.

"What's a cab?" Theo whispered.

"It's a car for hire," said Bihatra. "I suppose it's just as well. Paula was from the country. We're going to have to catch a bus."

"A bus?"

"Shut up!" Bihatra said.

The Mildred woman had turned back from the street just in time to catch Bihatra's angry demand. She looked sympathetic. "There, there, dear. You'll feel better soon. Sir, that cab is slowing down for you. Are you going to be alright?"

"We'll be fine," Theo said without conviction. "Um, thank you."

"You're very welcome. God bless!"

Bihatra winced. Then she seized Theo's hand and began to drag him toward the hulking yellow carriage that awaited them.