Fire and Brimstone and Cookies [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book II]

Chapter VII

"TO DISCOUNT SOOPERS," Bihatra said, once she and Theo had settled in the back of the yellow horseless carriage—the, er, cab.

"Sure," said the cabby, glancing at them in his rear view mirror.

Theo said, "What is Discount Soopers?"

"It's a discount store," said Bihatra. "You can get some clothes there. Just be quiet."

"Reminds me of my daughter," said the cabby. "Got a mouth on her. Nothin' quite as pretty as a woman with a mind of her own, though, am I right?"

Theo was reminded painfully of his late wife, Tansy. She had never made a habit of obeying men—or of doing anything she didn't want to. He missed her. He missed her badly. "Right," he said.

They rode in silence. Theo marveled at the comfort of the cab; the seats were plush and squishy and, while it was a warm day outside, the inside of the cab had a gentle, cool breeze of its own. The feel of it against his sticky brow made him conscious of how grimy he was.

The cab drew to a stop in front of a building with large windows. Inside, lamps affixed to the ceilings cast a sickly glow over endless shelves of brightly-colored wares. Theo looked through the cab window at the sign, but he could not read it.

"Get out," said Bihatra. She was rummaging in the pocket of her daisy-patterned dress. Theo fumbled with the handle on the door of the cab. As he set a foot outside, he looked back and saw Bihatra produce some green paper from her pocket and pass it to the cabby. "Keep the change," she said as she pushed Theo to hurry him out of the cab.

The cab sped away, leaving Bihatra and Theo standing in the parking lot of the Discount Soopers. "Come on," said the demoness, and they went inside.

Theo could happily have spent three days in that place just looking at the marvelous objects. There were books—hundreds of them, some of them with dark, scary pictures on their covers and others with bare-chested men and women in alarming states of deshabille. There was an entire shelf devoted to paper printed with gay patterns and colors and words, each one accompanied by a clever little envelope in a coordinating shade. There were candles unlike any Theo had ever seen: they were sheathed in glass and they smelled. One half of the store was devoted to brightly colored boxes and bags printed with images that looked to Theo like food.

"Excellent!" he said, snatching up a broom from one of the shelves as he followed Bihatra through the aisles. "We can go by broom! Do you know where she lived?"

Bihatra snatched the broom from Theo and put it back. "Stop touching things! Brooms don't fly on Earth."

"Oh." Fat lot of use a broom would be if it didn't fly, Theo thought. Bihatra continued to walk, turning down an aisle lined with tiny boxes and bottles that reminded Theo of his shelves of cures from back when he had his apothecarial emporium. "What's this?"

"Aspirin," Bihatra said, smacking it out of his hand. "You don't need any, but by the Devil I will by the end of this trial. Stop. Touching. Things. Do you want me to eat you again?"

Theo flinched. "Sorry. No."

"Here." Bihatra gestured toward a part of the Discount Soopers that was taken up by racks of hanging garments. "Find something that you think will fit. I'll get you some stuff to wash and take care of that mess you call a beard. Do not leave this part of the store. If I have to go hunting for you on Earth, you will not like me when I find you."

I already do not like you, thought Theo, but he did not say it because, although he was already dead, he was not immune to pain and suffering.

When Bihatra returned about ten minutes later, Theo had selected a pair of very soft pantaloons, the waist of which closed with a drawstring and some kind of clever, gathered fabric. He had also found a loose tunic in a subtle gray fabric, although he could not read the symbols printed on the front. For his feet, he had found some sandals, although they did not seem very sturdy.

"Done? Awesome. Come on." Bihatra led him toward the front of the store, where a plump, middle-aged woman waited, smiling at them beatifically.

"Good afternoon," the woman said, speaking to Bihatra. "Aren't you just a doll? Look at that dress! How pretty."

"Thank you," Bihatra said, sounding more irritated than grateful. "Just this stuff, please."

"Just like a grown-up." The woman smiled up at Theo. "How old are you, sweetheart?"

"Seven thousand, six hundred and sixty-six," said Bihatra. Then she smiled and fluttered her eyelashes. "Daddy, grab some of those, too." She pointed at a shelf near the service counter, where small, brightly-colored packages were arranged in an eye-catching display.

Theo didn't know what these things might be, but he grabbed up a handful in various colors and dumped them onto the counter. He smiled at the woman as she tallied their purchases. She was using some kind of wand which cast a red light and beeped over each of the objects they had chosen.

"Thirty-six dollars and seventy cents," said the woman.

Bihatra produced more green paper from the pocket of her daisy-patterned dress. Theo wondered how deep the pocket was. The woman did some reckoning and handed Bihatra back a few more pieces of green paper and some coins. "There you are, sweetie. Have a good afternoon, you two!"

"Thank you, madam," said Theo. He returned her smile and took the crinkly bags she offered him. Then, he followed Bihatra out the door and into the bewildering world.