Fire and Brimstone and Cookies [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book II]

Chapter X

THEODOSIUS DID NOT KNOW WHAT AN EMERGENCY ROOM WAS, but he was certain he would not like it. The narrator, who knows what's coming, can confirm that he was correct in that assumption.

Theo began to sweat copiously as he slipped on the flimsy sandals they had purchased at Discount Sooper's. He stuffed the hotel hand towel into one of the deep pockets of his shorts. Then, he followed Bihatra out of the hotel, watching her transform from a tall, imposing, charcoal-skinned creature out of his worst nightmares into a diminutive, adorable little girl also out of his worst nightmares.

"Come on," Bihatra said in Sweetbriar's voice. She headed down the hall toward the hotel lobby.

"Nnng," Theo whined, following after her.

The man behind the desk was still there when they arrived. Bihatra skipped up to the counter and raised her sweet, high-pitched, totally un-demonic voice. "Sir? Do you have a pair of scissors I can borrow?"

"Nnng," the hotel clerk whined. There was a clatter as he scrambled to find a pair of scissors, and then he handed them over the counter to Bihatra. Theo shifted on his feet, wondering if they would get a horseless cabbage to take them to the Emergency Room. He stopped wondering this and started wondering something else a moment later, when Bihatra turned on her heel and stabbed him in the stomach with the scissors.

Wide-eyed, Theo looked down at the bright pink handles of the scissors protruding from his abdomen. Blood began to bubble merrily out of the puncture wound. He lifted his hands and took hold of the scissors, meeting Bihatra's eyes. "Why?"

But Bihatra was ignoring him. "Sir? I think my father has been stabbed," she said. "Would you mind calling us an ambulance?"

The clerk was already on the phone, and Theodosius had already lost consciousness.

***

Theo awoke to the sound of a woman saying, "Seriously, honey, we won't have to amputate your Daddy's stomach."

Sweetbriar's voice was convincingly concerned. "Are you sure? I heard about gangrene. I would not want my father to develop a gangrenous intestine or anything. Bacterial infections are a serious concern in victims of stab wounds."

The woman laughed. "You must watch a lot of police shows. No. See, this nice nurse rinsed the wound out with a sterile solution, and that should take care of any bugs. We're very lucky, because he missed anything important. He'll be just fine. In about two weeks, you'll barely even be able to see the mark."

Theo opened his eyes and promptly closed them again when his vision was seared by a blinding, white-hot light. He opened his eyes again—more carefully this time—and looked up at the sterile-looking ceiling of a sterile-looking room. He was lying on a table, and there were two women standing next to him, both wearing blue gloves; one was dressed in a blue tunic, the other in a white coat. The white-coated woman was using a needle to stitch up the puncture wound in his abdomen.

"Ahhh!" said Theo, loudly.

The blue-garbed woman said, "Mr. Dosius, welcome back. Try to relax. You're going to be fine."

"Ahhh!" repeated Theo, just as loudly.

"I'm Dr. Finnewalt, and this is Jenny," said the white-coated woman, holding up the bloody, curved needle still attached to Theo's abdomen by a grisly black thread. "Please try to lie still."

Jenny asked, "What happened, Mr. Dosius? Your daughter said you were running with scissors?"

Theo glanced at Bihatra, who was seated in a chair watching his minor operation with an expression of gloating pleasure on her face. She smiled at him.

"Yes. That is absolutely what happened," Theo said.

"It's never too late to learn that lesson," said Dr. Finnewalt. She looked back down at her needle. Theo could not help but watch as that needle poked into his actual living flesh and came back out the other side.

"Nnng," Theo said. He felt nothing but pressure at the site where the doctor was stitching away, but the sensation still made him want to vomit, so he did.

Jenny produced a small plastic bag just in time, and Theo politely vomited into it while she crooned in sympathy.

"Daddy?"

Theo vomited some more.

"Daddy?"

"Nnnnnnnnnnng." He slumped back onto the bed, certain now that he should have just refused the Devil's request and resigned himself to living in Hell for an eternity of torture and arid climes.

"Daddy." Bihatra's tone was crisp now. "Let me have the lucky towel."

Theo shot Bihatra a curious look.

"I need the lucky towel now," Bihatra said. "You know. In case someone dies."

At last, understanding dawned on Theo. He was in some kind of healer's ward, where this cruel doctor and her soft-spoken henchwoman were fixing him up. It followed that there were other sterile chambers with other wicked doctors and nurses, where other unfortunate, miserable, nauseated souls were lying on tables just like Theo, subjected to the torture of a cruel and unusual punishment they most certainly did not deserve.

And some of those unfortunate souls were going to shuffle off the mortal coil.

Theo fished in his pocket for the hotel towel, and the doctor held her hands away from his squirming abdomen, waiting patiently until Theo had produced the towel and stretched it out in a clammy fist to Bihatra.

The demoness took the towel, loudly announced, "I have to tinkle," and left the room.

"She's adorable," said both the doctor and the nurse at once, and Theo fought the urge to vomit again.

Twenty minutes later, he had been "inoculated," whatever that was, against something called "Tentinnus," whatever that was, and he had been given a "prescription," whatever that was, for "antibiotics," wha—you get the point. Theo looked bemusedly at the paper in his hand, upon which was an indecipherable scrawl, as he was wheeled out to the waiting area of the Emergency Room.

Bihatra met him as he was rolled into the hall, grinning a decidedly demonic grin which revealed pointed teeth. She was carrying the scratchy hotel towel, and it was glowing with a pulsing, pink energy.

She fell into step beside Theo's wheelchair, and the nurse wheeled him to the sliding doors that opened onto the street. "There you are!" the nurse said. She seemed oblivious to Bihatra's pointed teeth and the obviously magical towel. "Free to go. Now please, sir: don't come back."

The way she said this made Theo certain it was a light-hearted joke, but he was very serious when he said, "I do not intend to, madam."

Bihatra and Theo went out of the Emergency Department, antibiotics prescription and soul-filled hotel towel in their possession, and they prepared for the next phase of their plan, which did not exist.