Fire and Brimstone and Cookies [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book II]

Chapter XV

BIHATRA LED THE WAY ACROSS THE STREET, and Theodosius followed. They strolled up a neatly-kept brick walkway toward the vibrant front door of Paula Wolfe's sister's house. When they were halfway there, a red wagon suddenly appeared, rolling along at Bihatra's heels. Ill-prepared for the sudden apparition, Theo stumbled over it, knocking some of the brightly-colored boxes it contained askew.

He bent over, rubbing his wounded knee with one hand and reaching for a fallen box with the other. "What are these?"

"Cookies. Some people don't open the door for strangers, but everyone opens the door for little girls selling baked goods."

Theo was reminded uncomfortably of the time he himself had opened a door for a little girl selling baked goods and how terribly everything had turned out for him. He hoped, out of a general sense of commiseration and humanity, that things would turn out slightly better for Paula's sister.

When they arrived at the front door of the cottage, Bihatra reached up and pressed a button on the wall next to the door, standing on her tip toes to do so. Theo hung back, surveying the army of lawn ornaments in the front yard and wondering which ones were the most dangerous when defending the place. He turned his attention back to the house when he heard the front door opening. Standing there was a lovely woman in her early sixties. Her soft gray hair, bobbed at the chin, was tied back with a knotted pink bandanna, and she was wearing a pair of yellow rubber gloves.

"Good afternoon, ma'am," said Bihatra in Sweetbriar's innocent voice. "My name is Sweetbriar, and I'm selling cookies for the Maple Leaf Scouts."

The woman glanced from the little girl, who was bouncing on her feet, to Theodosius. He noticed that there was a film of white powder on the front of her shirt; it was apparent he and Bihatra had interrupted her in some industrious pursuit. Looking back at Bihatra, she smiled and said, "Hello, Sweetbriar. I'm Patricia. What kind of cookies do you have?"

Bihatra shifted on her feet again. She tugged at the hem of her khaki skirt. "Chocolate-covered mint cookies, peanut butter cookies, coconut cookies." She bounced on her heels, then wiggled her feet a bit closer together so that her ankles touched. "Um, lemon cookies..."

Knitting her brow in concern, Patricia said, "Are you all right, honey?"

Leaning forward, Bihatra stage whispered, "I just really have to use the bathroom."

"Oh! Well, we can't have that, can we? Come in." Patricia stepped back from the door, opening the way for Bihatra to enter. "Dad, why don't you come on in, too? You two have probably been out and about for a while."

Theodosius would never get used to people referring to him as Bihatra's father. The very notion that he might have any kind of control, parental or otherwise, over this creature was ridiculous. It made him want to giggle hysterically. If only Patricia knew. If only she could see.

The urge struck Theo to explain, to seek understanding from this woman. He wanted desperately to explain to Patricia that the little girl doing the wee-wee dance in front of them was not actually a little girl but was instead an unfathomably evil demonic force from the bowels of Hell, a creature whose hair reeked of brimstone and who, if she so pleased, could unhinge her jaw and swallow Patricia whole, drawing her down into the fiery furnace—!

But, standing there on Patricia's front stoop with a flock of flamingos looking at him curiously, Theodosius realized this might have a rather unintended effect. Eager to retain his image as a sane person, he chose to smile sheepishly instead and say, "Thank you," as he stepped over the threshold into Patricia's home.

The interior of Patricia's home was as eccentrically decorated as the exterior, but there was a general atmosphere of cleanliness and warmth that set Theo immediately at his ease—as much at his ease as he could be with Bihatra around. Patricia pointed the way toward the bathroom and Bihatra, apparently committed to her deception, happily trotted off down a back hall.