Dare To Believe

chapter 12

Jason lost track of the days he had been spending inside his room since Andrew died. He locked inside his room again.

Jason didn't even come at the last day of Andrew's wake. He was afraid that he might break down in tears because of what had become of Andrew.

He was too scared for he know that was the reason why Andrew died.

He took his life and he hated himself for that. Andrew should've been still alive by now, finishing his collage degree, would have finish it and get a job, find someone and hive a happy life with his supposed to be family... but he took it from him.

Jason felt tired and drained all the time. Before meeting Andrew, he was accustomed to a life like that. But when he came and brought life to his lightless life... everything changed.

Worse things is that Andrew brought some part of Jason's soul when he died.

Days passed by a blur. Jason was still on his bed, not eating anything, not talking to anybody.

''I hate my fucking life,'' he muttered breathlessly.

He's been meaning to end his life already.

His room was an evidence of that. There were roped tied to the ceiling, he knotted those so it would be convenient for him if he decided that he would end up his life by hanging himself.

Blades and knives were scattered on the floor just in case he would want to re-open his cut scars on his wrist.

There were bottle of pills and other medicines on his bedside table. He tried to drown himself of sleeping pills but he didn't die because of those.

He wanted to end his fucking life.

But he wont let him do it.

Every time he would tie a rope around his neck, he would see Andrew's face, smiling at him.

At times wherein he would just slash his wrist open, he can hear his voice, asking him to stop.

When he drowned himself in medicine, he was there and was trapping inside an embrace.

He hated it.

He hated the fact that even though he is already gone, his memories still reside in him.

His face. His smile. His voice. The feeling of his arms around him. His scent. His everything.

Jason wanted him to stop doing that. He wanted to move on from what had happen to Andrew. He wanted to stop his fucking heart and brain from remembering him. But he just couldn't. He wouldn't.

Who knew someone whom he shared nothing but an ephemeral bond will influence and have a huge impact on his life.

He trapped again. From the past. From his mother. From Andrew.

Jason was crying again, the feeling of sadness and the heaviness of the heart were present... but there were no more tears that were being shed.

He is tired. He is fucking sick and tired of what is happening to him.

''I should stop, Andrew. I should stop thinking about you. please set me free,'' he pleaded to no one in particular, he was just crying and saying those things over and over again.

Maybe he felt empty because everything he had was taken away by his mother and Andrew when they left.

Jason thought that he could spend minutes, hours, and days all his life wondering about the 'what if's. Over-analysing a situation; trying to put back all the pieces to their proper places, justifying what could have or would have happened. Or he can just leave everything and move on with his life.

But he cant just move on that easily.

Not until he forgive himself first of what happened to his mom and to Andrew.

He killed them. It wasn't the one to pull the trigger but he was the reason why they died.

''Mom..'' in between his quite sobs and ragged breathing, he said, ''I'm sorry.''

''So what if I don't want to finish collage?!'' Jason's voice resounded all over their house.

''You need to study, Jason. That'll be for your own good!'' his mother reprimanded.

''No,'' he firmly said.

''Sorry, Jason. But I am your mother and I get to decide things for you.''

''Fuck off!!!'' he shouted.

Her mother was shocked when he cursed at her. So was he, it wasn't his intention to say bad things at his mom. it just came out of frustration.

''What did you said?'' her voice was edgy.

''I said fuck off my life!''

Jason wanted to stop opening his mouth to prevent more damage, but its as If his tongue had a mind of his own.

''I am your mother... and you're not supposed to me like that.''

''I am your son and you're not supposed to dictate what I should do with my life,'' he hissed.

Jason was about to turn his back at his mother when his mother bursted in tears. part of him want to say sorry to his mom but his pride wont let him to.

He was sick and tired of getting lead on by his parents. He didn't want to go to collage and get some bachelor's degree. He wanted to paint for a living. He wanted to do what he loves. But his parents wont let him be.

And it sucked for him.

He turned his back and started walking away.

''MOM!!!!!'' it was his youngest sister who shouted.

When he turned back, he saw his mom lying on the floor and asleep. He immediately rushed to her side.