Can you relate?

First things first

WARNING!!
This is a huge rant about myself, which I dare to expose. A part of my life is subjected to criticism. Only if people could relate to what I went through.. Here I go!

How do I know what I really need?? and as to when I would really need it??
Is it fine to have hopes over such and such?? Or do I really need someone to complete me??
Can I feel proud to stay single??
Or should I feel cringy to marry once AGAIN??

Of course, it was my take.. my sole decision to end that relationship!! Sadly and unavoidably with my parent's back up..
If anything, I was sure I couldn't tolerate his behavior or personality type and more so I could'nt connect with him mentally.. I was outright sure that he could never get to be a good father and that fact, shook me internally!!
It was a bold decision, yet not a hasty one. I had no regrets. All I wanted for my life at that moment and beyond, was to come out of that trap. And seemingly everything worked out smooth..
My medical internship carried on, without a hint of all this major processes going on.. People dropped in by our home from time to time, to try convincing me, but all in vain.. And note you, the people were all from his side.. Not a single soul from my family wanted me to reconsider the decision! And yes I was firm in my stand and it was motivating to know that my decision was nothing close to being wrong. And all that time the person in question did not take the opportunity to convince me, except for a formal forced one (a text conveversation) that happened as soon as he was out of our home - well good for him.. It was rather good for me too, saving all the emotional trauma or guilt. And speaking of guilt, do I really need to feel guilty?? A million dollar question which I ask myself over and over again..
I always had been and still being conscious to not hurt people's emotions. And I can't carry on with my life comfortably, even if I have the least bit of guilt stuck within me..
But I know, there couldn't be a better choice to make when the person is just terribly repulsive to you..
You can't build your life upon him, when you can't even depend on him as a responsible being!
And you may ask me coolly, did he harass you physically, sexually or emotionally?? Well he did.. in ways I couldnt categorise.. in ways that even he was not aware of doing so..
My mind and body was numb to his approach.. except for these random rantings that I managed to come up with, "No, THIS is not the only thing that I'm married for.. No, I'm not getting anywhere closer to my Rabb.. But no, he is my husband and I can't say no.. maybe Allah will reward me if I tolerate my dislike towards this man.. Only Allah knows my detached, locked up heart, which is yet to be opened by this husband of mine.. Yes, a little more time, I will start liking him for real, rather than pretending to do so.. Maybe he needs more care, more patience or more understanding.. Or maybe he is just this stubborn-headed, careless loner who just wants physical gratification from me and a laid back family support to dwell in lazily, for all his life."

Amidst all these conflicting thoughts I had to make one valid step. To pray. To pray my heart out. I was not sure what I wanted.. My mother who had already witnessed his weirdness on a daily take, was scrutinising me. She was afraid. Clearly afraid and pissed off!! Her only two outlets being my dad and myself. Just like me, she swallowed up her dislike towards him. The only difference being that, she opened up to me by unexplainable tantrums, while I was being pretentious and calm. Divorce had never once crossed my mind! My life was cycling between prayers and hospital calls.. I didn't let my mind waver.. All I was asking for, were answers.. I stopped overthinking.. for a little while, I let life to flow with the flow.. I had made up my mind to focus on the shorter responsibilities that life had to offer, on a daily basis. Still praying for his answers, but without panicking, without stressing, without doubting.. I found my medical rotations to be more engaging and satisfying.. His behaviour started to mean little.. Moreover, I was subconsciously distancing from him.
Becoming monotonous and subjective to his physical cravings was not new, but I cared less.. Still praying religiously, with no preformed thoughts or assumptions.. Ramadan came thankfully, and I was able to distance out from him a further more.. I had my space to breathe.. And note you, all this time I was still doing my best to not displease him. I had to do my best to reap the rewards of Ramadan, and I was happy to already get the hang of shutting that part of my brain which was nagging, a little earlier.

It was no less then 10 days into the blessed month that we witnessed another awful trait in him which couldn't be tolerated.. He hardly had any motivation to fast!! Seriously?? I had stuck on to my last bit of tolerance, and this guy had the nerve to care less about Ramadan?? Not happening!! So not happening!! I had completely lost my hope in this man. No, don't say you can change him with kindness and all the blah's that could follow.. I tried everything I already could.. I HAD NO HOPE IN HIM. DOT. What kind of a family could he possibly make?? Now to all those people who say, "why don't you take the responsibility by yourself and disregard his lame self?", well what's the point? Am I married to hold responsibility to all the stupidity of a clearly unworthy man? Do you think it is even fair, or of worth? Is it wise to ruin the future of my kids willingly, all well aware?
Why did he even marry if he wasn't ready for such authority?? He was 30, and he was unbelievably indolent. All he was expecting from a marriage was physical gratification, given his age.
My shattered hope, with its broken pieces had clearly formed a picture, which I so wanted. My answer, my rescue, my escape to a peaceful mind.. and my hope to a meaniful life, somewhere ahead.. DIVORCE IT WAS. The one which I used to repulse, despise and scorn at! That had ironically been my witnessing liberation. Sadly, that is why I still mourn..
Divorce is distasteful.. but your life, your imaan, your heart is far more sacred, to be protected and cherished.. Im not a supporter of divorce.. I've never been and never will be.. don't get me wrong!
All I want you sisters to do, is being careful enough to invest your time and energy in choosing the one you would want to help, and want to be helped by, in winning Jannah. In sha Allah.