Stay • Everlark (REVAMPING)

3. listen (revamped)

Katniss:
I lingered in the woods for a little too long yesterday and I found myself needing a lift home from the cart of remains of the dead. I heavily overestimated myself, because I passed out afterwards of exhaustion afterwards and shook myself out of a nightmare.

The woods are my home. Nothing else exists there, just me and the trees. I let myself bask in the spring air and be free of the prison of my mind. My shooting has gotten worse, and my clean shot through the eye has moved to the heart. Not ideal, but I can make it work. I gave Sae three squirrels and a deer, she seemed satisfied enough.

The house is like my prison, realistically, full of unfinished business. I can't let it go though, it's where I feel closest to them, all of them. I see Prim and my Mother knitting together on the chair, awaiting my return from the victory tour. I see Finnick's face on the screen, pearly whites on display, and I see Peeta beaming at me from the kitchen making bread.

As much as I would like it to be real, it's not. It's just an illusion of my psychosis. A wall of fake happiness that stops me from losing my mind from the guilt.

I killed them all, indirectly or not. I could've saved Finnick from death by not leading him on a suicide mission. I could've held my Mother a little longer, instead of letting her go insane from grief. I could've sheltered my sister from the influence of Coin by keeping Boggs alive. I could've saved Peeta from insanity by staying with him at midnight. Something he did for me.

All I've ever tried to do is survive, and now that I don't have to try, what's left? My eventual self destruction? There isn't really anything left for me, not really. Luck, or unluckiness is always on my side. Everyone who didn't deserve to die, died. Everyone who I lived for, isn't living. Every time these type of thoughts come to me, I ask myself what the point is.

My train of depression is paused by a thud at the door and mumbling voices. Sae. She's only coming once a day down from twice, which is something of a relief to me, but deep down I'll miss our bland conversations when she leaves eventually. I know that she will. What's unusual is that noise, Sae never makes much noise. She must be with her granddaughter.

It creaks open and the footsteps are louder than Sae's usual creeping, it also smells oddly familar.

These factors force me to turn around and give in to my curiosity.

I turn around hastily to see Haymitch stood unpleasantly behind where I'm led, just what I need when all I want to do is rest.

Half of me wants to pretend to be asleep and ignore the situation entirely. But I know they knows me better than that. The more rational part of me is forcing myself to face the music, to give myself some sort of internet closure. But I need a minute to think, so the sleeping idea sounds very appealing.

"Katniss! I swear if you're hiding in a closet." Haymitch shouts so loudly that my ears pop. Hiding in closets? That was one time. I wouldn't hesitate to do it again, though. Harsh.

To be honest, my eyes are still groggy and his voice startled me. So I cautiously stand up and rub my eyes without making my head spin and wrap the shawl around me to keep away them bitterness of early spring.

"Did anyone ever tell you it's rude to barge into other peoples houses without asking?" I say bluntly. "I really don't see-"

Of course Peeta is stood next to him awkwardly, looking around like he's never been here before in his life. That one stings. I wonder how I didn't notice before with the loud footsteps and the knocking on the door. Only Peeta would use such pleasantries.

"I told you she's in a state. You're my last resort before I go insane." Haymitch quietly whispers to Peeta, unsuspecting that I have the ears of a hunter.

"Hey Katniss." Peeta says friendly enough to be genuine, but too far from my reach, looking at me in a way I can't quite understand but not fully meeting my eyes.

It almost brings me to tears and laughter, how much he seems like my Peeta. The one who hoarded me from the nightmares and kissed me on the beach. He's so well, I can't even compute it in my head. Friendly, warm and kind, that's how I know his intentions aren't malicious. At least on the outside. I have to remind myself to keep my distance for his sake.

"Hey." I mumble, the most I can say without crumbling.

"That was the driest thing I think I've ever seen in my life. You're both whipped for each other, you can make it work better than that." Haymitch groans, making the atmosphere even more tense.

"Excuse me." I say under my breath before I break down. I certainly wasn't expecting that.

I stammer away from the scene, lock the bathroom door behind me and put my hand to my mouth to stop myself making a noise that seems to be half sob half gasp.

I can hear conflicting, muffled voices from the other room already. Most likely scheming about how to deal with the situation I've just created. Seeing Peeta face to face awakened something in me, reminding me how much I crave human contact because I'm so desperately lonely I can't stand it. I took painful advantage of having that delicacy. The delicacy of affection. I look at myself in the cracked mirror and all I see is a desperation to be loved.

I take a breath in and take in the uneasy silence.

"Katniss, can I talk.. to you? You don't have to open the door or anything, I just want you to listen, if that's okay." Peeta's voice says softly, rushing through me like electricity. It's the simple things, like hearing him say my name, that make my heart ache. I'm so used of the feeling of emptiness that these emotions aren't registering well.

"First of all, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything and I wish I could do things so much differently. I wish I was there for you, when you needed someone, but I wasn't. I couldn't, and I hate myself for it. Everything's happened so quickly, and it's crazy to me. I'm on medication now. There's always chance of another flashback but I'm getting there. I remember almost everything too, some things are a little hazy but for the most part, it's good.

"I'm not as charming as I used to be, which sucks for you because I'm a ladies man for sure. I'm totally joking, nobody wants damaged goods." He chuckles softly but pauses. "I'm so tired, Katniss. Of pretending that I'm okay. That I'm the same person I was before. I'm a monster, I've killed innocent people and I don't know what to do about it. I'll figure it out."

He pauses again. "I don't think you're a mutt anymore. You're not and you never were. In fact, you're one of the most intriguing people I've ever met. You probably hate me and I don't blame you. But I want you to know that I'm here. I'm trying my best to be better and I don't anyone left to try for. So it's you. It's always been you. Thank you for getting me through the last six months." I hear him breathe a sigh of relief, as if he'd had this on his mind for years, and slow footsteps moving away.

I fumble with the door handle and consider opening it. Half of me wants to fall apart and let him go. But another yearns for him, and thinks it's time to stop hiding. No more.

I open the door and creep out, frightening Peeta being halfway down the stairs. He looks at my in my eyes this time, and they're glistening with tears but still radiate warmth.

"I'm sorry." I whisper quietly enough that he can hear me and understand what I'm trying to do. "Bye, Peeta."

He smiles intently at the prospect of us maybe becoming friends and looks at me before leaving. "Thank you."