Stay • Everlark (REVAMPING)

8. flashback

Katniss:

I wake up in a pool of my own tears and red marks on my wrists from the nightmare I just had. This one particular nightmare has been haunting me for weeks now, Prim and Peeta are watching me burn to death and they both spit and laugh at me as the ashes pile up in my mouth. It doesn't sound that bad, but it's so personal that it hits me hard.

The nightmares have been getting worse ever since I realised how confusing my feelings about Peeta are. He's been creeping his way into my stream of night terrors and it makes them all the more worse. He's offered to stay the night a few times, but every time he suggests the idea I brush it off. It's not his fault at all, but I don't want him to see the thing I become at night. Someone who can't control herself and thrashes around in her very few hours of sleep.

I've found that I've been going to Haymitch's house frequently when I can't sleep to rant about whatever's pestering me. He doesn't really listen, but he's always awake so it's the best option. No, he's my only option.

I look outside and to my surprise it's not night at all, the tense atmosphere of the room makes me feel like it is, though. Outside I see Peeta pacing outside of Haymitch's house, playing with his fingers and muttering things to himself. I know what's coming, he's going to have a flashback.

Peeta does these little things when he's overly stressed. If you stare as somebody as much as I do, it's hard not to notice. He probably didn't even realise himself that he was going to have a flashback, but I know. I can tell.

As if right on cue, his knees come from under him and he's hitting his head on the concrete like I did when I saw the jabberjays. If I don't do something, he's going to get a concussion. Peeta makes it his absolute priority to make me stay away from him when he feels like he's going to snap, but in true Katniss Everdeen fashion, I'm not going to listen.

I cautiously trample outside and kneel down opposite him. He doesn't notice me, so I take his quivering hands and take them in my own. His wrists are bloodied and he's shaking like it's cold outside.

"Peeta." I whisper, just loud enough for only him to hear.

No response.

He freezes as if my touch is ice and slowly lifts his head to meet my eyes. His own pupils are glassy and clouded over, his glance full of confusion. This isn't the Peeta I know.

His sharp whispers of peril almost give me a heart attack. "Leave me to die. I'm a Capitol mutt. There's nothing left for me to live for. Nobody loves me enough to care if I live. Just kill me."

I know he's not genuine, still those last words are a stab to the heart. I want to be selfish and tell him that I'm here and why doesn't he think that I'm worth that much. I almost do, but if I want him to get better, he needs to stay focused on me.

Instead, I let the tears fall down my cheeks and cup his face in my trembling hands. I'm not good at feelings, I whisper. "There are so many people that care about you and would never be the same without you.

Peeta just tears his diluted eyes away from me and concentrates hard on something that's not even there, he's calming down. "No. Everyone hates me just as much as I hate myself! I have to live everyday feeling like I'm the only insane person in the world! There's nobody I care about left." Peeta sobs. The shouting turns to manically sobbing and he breaks down into my chest. The weight of his pain is so great that he can't hold himself up anymore.

I wish I could take all of his hurt away. He's dulled my suffering in
a way that I can live without breaking down. Now it's my turn to do the same.

I slowly lift his quivering chin so his grey-now-turning-blue eyes meet my own.

"Peeta, I care about you. I need you. And before you tell me I'm being delusional, I need you to know that I've never been so sure about anything else in my entire life."

I've never felt more emotions all at once. My stomach is in knots but I want to laugh and cry and scream and run away but I stay, because I'm so sure. I've always found it hard to care for people, even my own Mother, and I've always been so confident about my love for Prim but that's it. But after you've watched so many people die and see the people who loved them suffer, too damaged to live like I was when Prim died. It opens you up to think; would I feel like that if anyone else in my life died? 

The answer is yes, I would. I got through the list of people in my head who I care about and the one name I always stop at is Peeta. I've realised that only one person would be damaged beyond repair if Peeta died is me. After all, it's the things we love the most that destroy us.

***

Peeta is back to himself, I can tell from his eyes. His expression is unreadable, until he smiles up at me and squeezes my hand.

Fresh tears spill from his eyes and there's nothing I can to but do the same. We stay like this for a few seconds, relief spread on each other's faces. No words to be said.

"Maybe you are being delusional," Peeta says and smiles weakly. "But you know that I feel the same. I've known since I first saw you, I was a goner. You've surprised me, you know. I thought we'd be friends forever, but you proved me wrong, Katniss. I love you." He finishes.

Endless floods of warmth surge through me at the thought of Peeta loving me. I was scared he'd leave me, but now I know that this would've happened anyway even if Gale was here. The only thing that dawns on me is that I didn't say I love him.

I love Peeta with everything I have, but I don't know how to say it. He wouldn't care if I couldn't say it because he knows it, but I will say it when I'm ready. It's the least he deserves to hear from me.

I hold onto his shoulders, not breaking eye contact. He's clinging onto my hands for dear life, as if when he lets go I'll be gone forever.

What I do next surprises even myself, I'm not usually very spontaneous. I pull his face towards me and kiss him on the lips. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. His lips taste like honey and I've missed the feeling of the gentleness they have.

I take Peeta my surprise but once he realised what's going on, he hesitantly kisses me back softly and brings his hands to hold my face.

There more ugly tears and Peeta clinging to my face but I don't care. I only care about this. Peeta and I.

I'm kissing Peeta so desperately that I don't leave his lips until I can't breathe. That hunger, it's back again. The type that leaves me not satisfied, but always wanting more. I'm not bewildered by it anymore, I let it consume me as I put my arms around his neck and let his warm breath tickle my neck.

I love him. It's more clear than it ever has been. I need him to be here with me. I've been through two Hunger Games with Peeta and he understands my trauma in a way that nobody else ever could. There's no one else that understands the voices of the screaming tributes I hear that comes with the consequences of killing someone, there's nobody else around me who knows thats it's like to be in that arena; only Peeta.

I know this because I let him hold my hand to help me walk whilst we make our way back inside my house.

I know a lot of change is coming; I'm not afraid of it. For the first time ever, I can say that I'm not afraid of change in my life. It's not a huge change that can endanger my life or the world. It's not a change that will make me look desirable to the Capitol. Just change that proves I finally have control over my own life; no other people doing it for me.

I don't want to end this embrace I have on him, and he feels the same. So when we get back inside. He sits down, arms still on me, and my frame clinging onto his body, and we stay that way. I don't plan on changing that for a while, and for the first time in a long time, I'm enjoying myself.