Stay • Everlark (REVAMPING)

9. weak

Katniss:
Listening to the rain has always calmed my nerves when I'm stressed and makes me feel relaxed. Especially with Peeta sat opposite me, I can never do anything but think at times like this. It's been about a while  since I admitted my feelings towards him, and I haven't let him leave me since. He hasn't left voluntarily either, so maybe he wants to be here as much as I do.

We haven't worked out a living arrangement yet, but I've just assumed that Peeta would live here. He spend most of his time here anyway, it wouldn't make a difference to him. To tell the truth, I haven't really been listening to the rain, I've been studying Peeta's features and just thinking about how much we've been through. Two Hunger Games, a victory tour, a war, me being the mockingjay, him being almost tortured to death, our families leaving, yet here we are. You can tell we've been places, since Peeta's physical and mental health has taken a toll after the flashback and mine in general.

I'm doing okay myself, but Peeta looks like he's been to the Capitol all over again. I have to remind him to eat, he can't be alone at night and I always reassure him that I'm real and not going anywhere. His nightmares have all come back to haunt him.

He feels so embarrassed that he finally broke down, and it's been eating away at him ever since. It's not that he's turned like he was when he was hijacked, but his self esteem and depression get the best of him. He insists he's fine, but I know all too well Peeta's lying skills aren't the best.

A kind soul with demons he never deserved.

I've never been the stronger one out of the two of us so this is all new to me, looking after him like he looked after me when I have nightmares.

I've been trying my best to take care of Peeta, but I really don't know how. We play real or not real quite a bit, I like to stroke his hair when he lies on my lap if he gets too tense, I've been considering taking him to the woods but I don't have a reason. I suppose I could just get art supplies?

I need to distract him so I can go into town and get something, I haven't been to town in about a year, but I'll suck up the anxiety I haven't got time for.

"Peeta? I'm going to out into the woods for a while, Greasy Sae is running low on game and I need some air." I say, I'm such a bad liar.

"Sure that's fine, do you want me to tag along? I'm no hunting partner but I'm better than nothing." Peeta replies and smiles back. His eyes crease and I can tell he's drained.

"No thanks, I can manage. I'll be back in an hour or two." I reply, harsher than I intended, getting up to get my boots. My ankle hasn't fully healed yet so I still walk funny, but I don't need crutches.

Peeta tries to hide his disappointment, but it doesn't work. I want him to come with me so badly because he could use the air, but he probably wouldn't make it to the woods without collapsing.

"Oh, okay. I'll miss you, though. I'm going to catch up on sleep, I was awake all night so I just played with your hair. That's not as creepy as it sounds, if it did sound creepy, I promise it's not" He groans, rubbing his eyes. That's why my hair was in two braid this morning.

He's not been sleeping an awful lot recently, should I be worried? The answer is probably yes, and I am. Selfishly, I've never had the caring instinct to upon it. I could never cope if I had children.

"Cheesy, but I'll miss you too." I laugh nervously, I'm not good at goodbyes, "I'll be back so soon you won't realise I'm gone." I reassure, slinging my sheath over my shoulder.

"No kiss goodbye? We're in love now, so you can kiss me anytime you feel like it." Peeta retorts. The reference to what he said in the first games reminds me so much of our fake relationship it makes me giggle. Fake, my ass.