Let Me Be The Wallpaper That Papers Up Your Room

CHAPTER 5

The VA for Chuuya sings the opening Bungou song ayyye

Akutgawa was having a bad day. He'd woken up late, split his coffee on his only clean shirt, and missed the train and therefore missed the entire lesson of Professor Hawkeye's music class. He was not happy, and knew that only one man could brighten his day; his old mentor Dazai. He travelled to the Agency's office, already feeling lighter with each step he took up to the top floor. He stepped into the office, and was greeted by who he believed to be Dazai - completely unaware that his body had been taken over by a parasite known as Tamaki - with what would look like an unusually stupid grin on his face for that of Dazai, but one most befitting for Tamaki.

"Who are you and how can I help?" he asked.

Akutgawa immediately felt smouldering anger boil under his skin. How dare Dazai forget him? He was his old subordinate. He decided to push past it however, and to focus on the friendly grin he had been greeted with. It was better than the usual sneer that he always had got before.

"Dazai-san," he moaned happily, cheeks flushed in anticipation and arousal. "I've been having a bad day, and I knew that seeing your face would cheer me up."

"Well," Tamaki replied, "I am beautiful. Who wouldn't be happy to someone like moi?"

Akutgawa felt slightly confused. Had Dazai always been so vain? He reflected on the vast number of women that always left Dazai's bedroom, back when he had been part of the Mafia. Perhaps he had a right to be vain, Akutgawa thought thoughtfully. He decided to agree with his old mentor, hoping it would cause Dazai to favour him over his new subordinate, the wretched Atsushi. "Yes," he assented. "You're very beautiful Dazai, the most beautiful man I've ever seen."

Tamaki felt pure joy fill him at the man's praise, and decided he wanted Akutgawa fill him with something else.

"Call me King!" He cried.

"U-u-ummmm,"Akutgawa stuttered over his words and bit his lower lip sensually, rolling it between his teeth in a way he would wish Dazai would kiss him. Dazai wanted to him to call him by a nickname? "Well okay, but only if you call me your queen!" He said boldly, ignoring the butterflies that filled his stomach.

Tamaki was impressed at the boi's boldness. "I didn't realise the Mafia would have someone who is so openly gay. What is your type? Do you like the quiet brooding type like Mori-senpai?"

Akutagwa cringed at the idea. How could anyone have a crush on the perverted, one whose face looks like the bottom of a wishing well in which someone has donated their small child who has been possessed by a wittle Dracula, mafia leader Mori? Before he could reply with his refusal, Tamaki carried on, "Or maybe you prefer someone more like me?" he asked as he caressed Akutgawa's chin, rolling his bottom lip with his thumb.

"Yes!" Akutgawa cried, filled with pure elation at his ex-mentor's obvious attraction. He briefly wondered if Atsushi had received this kind of attention from Dazai, and felt his jealously flare up. Akutagawa reached for his ex-mentor's chiselled jawline, fingers trembling at the sheer balls he required to commit the daring act. Just as his fingers made contact with the smooth supple skin, grappling for the erogenous zone that was Dazai's earlobe, Kunikida, Ranpo and Atsuhi spawned into the middle of the room.

Kunikida's arms started to wave maniacally. "Dazai, what are you doing? He's in the Port Mafia – the Port Mafia! How can you be so insolent as to let him near you? This is not – this is not –" he pulled a notebook out of his pocket and started waving it around, snapping the spine, "This is not in my Ideal!"

Atsushi leant over and out of pure shock and teror, threw up. Kunikida, in his mania, accidentally waved his Ideal too close to Atushi, who sprayed it in a heavy mist of regurgitated tea on rice.

Kunikida stopped. Even Ranpo stopped. Everything stopped.

Everything started.

Chuuya grappled onto the window sill, only just enough strength to stop himself from falling. His voice began in the soft groan of a newborn yam as Kunikida blinked in the direction of his beloved bound pages of blossoming future rules and concequences before he started screaming a scream of mortal terror as he saw his entire life's work spoiled by the contents of Atsushi's stomach. Kunikida started running towards the window, launched himself out, screaming, "Not today, Satan!"

Tamaki blinked in confusion. "I was just fulfilling my roll as a host. I am an gentlemen after all." He turned to the stunned Akutagawa, "That will be 10,000 yen please. We accept Paypal."

Akutgawa felt like a rock had dropped in his stomach, so it was all faked, he thought sadly as he handed over the money and arranged for the next appointment.

Ranpo snorted concedeningly, "So you're just a prostitute without the sex then?"

Tamaki ignored him, "You're just upset because you've only just been introduced to this fanfiction."

Ranpo shrugged in agreement.