Let Me Be The Wallpaper That Papers Up Your Room

CHAPTER 9

The after party for the lost Quidditch match was at Soviet Yuri's house. Non-Soviet Yuri and Victor were snogging in the corner while Soviet Yuri and Viktor were snogging in the corner.

In the centre of the room, living characters still alive were sitting in a circle on the floor. Zoro and Sanji stared at each other challengingly while drinking their own respective bottles of sake. Kyoyo placed an empty bottle of peach schanpps in the centre of the circle, adjusting his glasses on the bridge his bridged nose. "Who's ready for spin-the-bottle?"

Sanji and Zoro stared at each other competitively. "I'll go first," Zoro gritted out before grabbing the shaft of the bottle between his thumb and forefinger and jerking it.

The bottle moved sensually. Chuuya started singing in the background, his voice a low hum between the moans of 'Yuri!' and cries of 'V-Victor'/'Viktor'. His voice got louder just as the bottle slowed and stopped on the one whose brows were so curly he turned gay.

Sanji and Zoro looked at each other.

Zoro leapt forward and pressed his soft velvet-smooth lips against the Sanji's sweet, succulent, strawberry-coloured, sexy, smooth lips. They gazed at each other lovingly. Their friendship was mended by this sexual interaction that neither of them knew they had needed so badly.

Sanji spun the bottle and kissed the smol goth with an eyeroll. Akatagawa opened his mouth to deepen the kiss further but Sanji broke it off, too loyal to the Straw Hats to betray Zoro. Akatagawa, empowered but the sexuality of the kiss, confidentally spun the bottle, knowing where he wanted it to land.

His wish was granted. The bottle landed on the one who looked like Dazai but everyone knew to be Tamaki.

Akatagawa smiled, the first time anyone had seen the act. Chuuya's voice built steadily in the background as he sat in his corner of the room, facing the black walls.

"You must be so happy to kiss moi, the King! I am a beautiful gentleman!"

Akatagawa said, "Dazai – you – you don't need to say anything, Dazai." His eyelashes fluttered with passion. "Just – kiss me."

Dazai in Tamaki's body looked oddly at Akatagawa. "Did you miss the memo. Me – I'm Dazai, bodyswitched into that buffoon's body."

"Buffoon's body? Moi? You clearly have no idea of what delicacy is! What is this – this commoner's body I have been cursed to wear for the rest of my days?"

"Don't ruin my dreams, fake-Dazai!" Akatagawa grabbed the lapels of the beautiful white fur coat that the one who looked like Dazai was gifted in an earlier chapter and smooshed their lips together in a passionate act of love, devotion, and upmost passion.

The entire circle threw up just as Kunakida spawed into the centre of it, having just been released from the hospital with a new notebook. "Hi guys, it good to be back –" he says just as everyone showered him in a sea of vomit, soaking the covers of his new Ideal.

He looked at the dripping pages. Chuuya started singing louder. His voice reached a new depth as Kunikida blinked in the direction of his beloved bound pages of blossoming future rules and concequences before he started screaming a scream of mortal terror as he saw his entire life's work spoiled by the contents of their stomachs. Kunikida started running towards the window, launched himself out, screaming, "Not today, Satan!"

It was now Tamaki's turn to spin the bottle. It made a whirring sound on the floor before it landed on the one who looked like him but was not him.

Tamaki-in-Dazai's-body and Dazai-in-Tamaki's-body gasped simultaneously. Tamaki looked up at Dazai just as Dazai looked up at Tamaki and Dazai said, "This is slightly odd, even for me. But let's do it. Just for funsies, you know?"

"I never thought I would be kissing someone as beautiful as moi," Tamaki-in-Dazai's body announced. "Though the King's mouth is reserved for Haruhi. I will grace you with a peck on the cheek."

Dazai and Tamaki both seemed keen on this agreement and Tamaki stood up to get to Dazai. He crouched on the floor beside him and nestled his face between his two palms. The ever-jealous Akatagawa stood up on all fours and started to monkey-run towards the imminent kiss.

"Hold that kiss!" he cried. On his way he slipped on a conveniently-placed legume and fell onto Tamaki, the banana sliding underfoot and Tamaki's lips landing in Dazai's.

Upon seeing the two kiss, Akatagawa started screaming a scream of mortal terror running towards the window, and then launched himself out, screaming, "Not today, Satan!"

Tamaki's and Dazai's bodies became weightless as they rose in the air together. A ghost-like veil of yellow enveloped them as they held each other close in their arms for moral support. "Dazai – if I never get out of this...tell Haruhi that Daddy loves her."

"And Tamaki, if I never get out of this, then I want to tell you – as stupid as you are, you were worth committing a double suicide with."

They both gazed at each other with mutual affection and respect in each other's eyes. Yellow light started to build in the centre of their embrace, too bright for anyone to look at - they look away so as to save their vision – fuck Specsavers – and then suddenly –

The men fall to the ground.

"They're back," said Ranpo, fiddling with his balls.

Fukazawa spaws into the circle. "Ranpo, I will praise you if you tell the viewers why."

Ranpo looks up in shock. "Praise? If it's that serious, Nekozawa's curse stipulated that in order to break the curse they must kiss their one true love. Dazai and Tamaki are so in love with themselves that kissing the one that looked like them made the curse break."

"Oh." Fukazawa sat beside Chuuya in his corner and started petting him like a cat. Chuuya's tail and ears popped out as he purred.

Dazai ran his hands over his body as if checking it was all there. "Tamaki, where did I get this beautiful coat from?"

Tamaki looked up at Dazai, thankful that Dazai looked like Dazai. "It was a gift I received in the post. I'm not quite sure where it came from, but it is fit for a king. So give it back."

Ranpo stopped fiddling with his marbles and casually announced, "It's Atsushi."

Dazai looked at him in alarm. "Atsushi-kun?" He looked teary as he stared at Ranpo. "What happened?"

"Shu killed him. I was there, I saw the whole thing," Ranpo drawled.

Dazai started screaming a scream of mortal terror as he realised his favourite subordinate was dead. Dazai started running towards the window, then launched himself out, screaming, "Not today, Satan!"

The music faded out as Chuuya started a mourning cry.