You Know The Night EDITING

Find shape in the flow of my talk

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 I could cry for days and hours but I find it hard to when Luke is wide awake and Max is trying to avoid any type of conversation with either of us.

I wait until I hear both their snores echoing down the dark halls before I grab a towel and head to the shower.

No one would think this is where I let it out, where I let the expensive shower head hit my naked body as I cry as loud as I can as much as I want. For once I feel alone and able to let every emotion that my body has held in out. Unleashing the decaying part of my soul that I’m sure has brought more baggage then anything I have ever witness.

I don’t know why I cried, I just know that I feel. I feel more then I should and I hate that part of me.

I spent about an hour in the shower, looking up to the white ceiling and praying to a man I still do not know exists. But I pray because I hope it helps, that he gives me a sign that he’s going to take this pain away from me. That he’d for once just give me a chance to be happy. But every day I find myself disappointed, and my hatred for the man I pray to grows and so does my guilt. Thus, more tears are shed and I am still left on the cold bathroom tub floor, shivering form the cold water and dead.

I sleep in nothing but my sports bra and some of Max’s sweatpants. My hair is wet and making my body shiver as I stand in front of the mirror. Looking over my reflection and feeling pity for the girl in front of me.  Her eyes are red and the dark circles under her eyes are from the times she spent crying or unable to sleep. Thinking of her brother and hoping he doesn’t sneak out.

I braid my hair to the best of my ability, not well. Candace was the beauty queen here, I barely learned how to use the damn curling wand. But I did my best and climbed into my small bed. Pulling the covers over me and wondering what life would be if mom and dad were still here.

Part of me thinks I would sleep more, Luke would be normal Luke and sing in his room until mom told him to go to sleep. If Max would be as alienated as he was now.

I shake my head and turn to my side. My eyes instantly meeting the picture frame on my night stand. Mom and dad had their arms around Candace as she smiled with her diploma. Luke, Max and I were pouting as if to mock the whole ‘Candace is their favourite‘ joke. We knew it wasn’t true, mom and dad showed all of us the same amount of praise for every little thing. But the picture was one of our favourites and it wasn’t long until I felt my feet hit the floor and I grabbed the picture frame and threw it into one of my drawers.

“Mocking me… nice. “

Who I was talking to wouldn’t be obvious but I know he was listening. He was watching me break apart and I did just that. I was going to give him a show.

“I’m going to work some extra hours today, won’t be home until later. “

Luke only nodded with his mouth full of waffles while Max looked at us for some sort of confirmation to his plans. It’s not like he never did this, every day was like this. Him avoiding us as much as possible.

His eyes fell on me, waiting for my reply.

“What time are you getting home? “

“Umm, I don’t know. I have a transmission...”

I dropped my fork on the glass plate and nodded. I hated his lies and wanted nothing more than to slap him across the table. But I held back.

“Okay, take your keys. We’ll be asleep by then. “