a change of heart // phan

three

only heartache and heartbreak

there are more words in this bedroom than oxygen itself, and i feel them filling up my chest and creating chaos in my head and this is exactly what i'm running away from. his sweet mouth drips syllables of confusion and my bitter tongue cascades over all his worries, nullifying our exchange and causing a strange silence amidst the thin, thin air.

there are so many questions and i have the answers to all the ones that he's not asking.

he has so many problems and i have the solutions to all the ones that he doesn't have.

he wants so many things and i have everything except the things that he wants.

the exchange between us is so toxic, so unbearably poisonous and i feel the ache along my veins and across my muscles—crossing over and over and painting lines of complete apathy inside my chest.

"why do you want to leave?" he asks for the seventh time and i try to mould his words into something else, something more answerable because i just can't tell him what i actually feel.

if i tell him, i know that a storm of guilt will break through my bones and shatter my entire being into mere pieces always waiting for his mercy, but if i don't—well the storm will still arise, this time worse, so uncontrollably full of denial and lies that will make my head crumble down into meaningless dust.

"i don't know," i want to leave because i cannot breathe in the same air as you anymore.

"so y-you'll leave me as well? what about our career and our relationship?" he asks and for the first time in fourteen minutes i look at him—and i regret it.

teardrops rest along his rosy cheeks and his lips are so overwhelmingly bitten that i feel the urge to reach forward and run the pad of my thumb along his ruined mouth. his eyes are the deepest shade of brown, the honey in his eyes is somewhere drowned amongst the dark, dark chocolate and they are so bitter it makes my tongue burn.

"dan," i tangle my fingers together as i think of a response. "i just need a break, this doesn't mean i'm ending things with you,"

"please tell me right now if you don't feel the same towards me, don't lie just because i'm a fucking emotional loser," he degrades himself and my heart withers from the very edge, a painful ache in my chest arising just by the completely hopeless tone of his voice.

i don't reply to him, i just shift more towards him and run my fingertips through the curls that frame his forehead, and when his eyes fall shut in reply, salty drops race down his cheeks and hang off his chin, and the burn in my chest multiplies once the most broken sound escapes his lips.

"i love you," the way his mouth forms the words continues to be my favourite thing in the entire universe, and i pull him to my chest, my lips pressing warm reassurance onto his forehead.

"i love you, so much, don't think otherwise okay? i just need a little time to myself, a little time away from this routined life, do you understand what i'm saying?" my words aren't completely a lie but i can't deny the way he makes me feel—even though the feelings are way too familiar and have lost all spark—they are still there.

"yeah," he nods against my chest, and i let my hands travel down to the curve of his spine, pulling his body closer to mine, to the point where his beautiful thighs are straddling mine. our limbs entangle in the most comforting position, and i breathe in the warmth of his scent, his fingers tangling in my hair and attempting to push us nearer, closer.

"when will you leave?" he murmurs against the overworn fabric of my tshirt, and i press kisses to the side of his face just to soften my response.

"will tomorrow be okay?" i ask and my heart aches once his entire body slumps in my grip and searches for the comfort that i fail to give him. the poor organ in my chest fails to pump blood and i can feel my body collapsing within itself because oh god leaving him is so hard.

he doesn't answer my question, he simply leaves my grip and gathers all the oxygen in the room around himself before getting out of the bed and out of the room. my lungs battle with each other for the lost air and confusion infects my brain and after our exchange there is only one question that i can't answer.

am i ready to leave him?

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sorry for this shitty update and sorry for not updating ANYTHING in the past month im so busy with school kms

also

hope u have a good day :D