a change of heart // phan

six

all these songs i'm hearing are so heartless

his strawberry lips used to be an ideal comparison to the sweet taste of wine, the addicting aftertaste that makes you want to go in for one more sip. liquid that bubbles too gently on your tongue, liquid that makes you drunk but not enough, similar to the teasing nature of his lips as they used to brush against mine in suggestion but never serve the purpose.

i stare at my half empty glass, the thin stem threatening to break under the force of my fingertips but staying intact, the angry red colour seething at me. it's whispering words i don't want to hear, much like the love songs that are accompanying my ragged breathing. they don't talk about tragedy or romance that leads to heartbreak, not about how much unrequited love hurts or about how much i am tearing myself apart while listening to something i used to have—they pick up soft notes and sing about his voice, his eyes, the way he talks, the way he breathes and him. they talk about him.

and i don't have him as of now, which causes me to gulp another serving of the pathetic wine and let the rotten grapes cure the fresh tear in my heart. auto-tuned voices try to auto-tune the out of tune organ in my chest and my rib cage automatically shields me from the comfort, pinching my collapsing lungs together so i can feel the pain of his betrayal. it stings—god it stings, especially when my bile tastes like his hesitant lips and the tears in my eyes feel like the sweet acid he spits, but i can't do anything except to just let it torture me one memory at a time.

the bitter saccharine of liquor melts on my tongue and travels down my throat in hopeful gulps, trying to rule out the searing departure that has settled down in my veins. twenty minutes and one bottle down, thirty minutes and the second—his tart words disappear into chemical intoxication and i breathe for the first time in two days.

and when the darkness arrives i welcome it with a broken heart, it embraces my chaos like i embrace it's calmness and for a while, for a very short while i can forget about just how many times he has not loved me as much as i have loved him.

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hey so this was p short but i hope it wasn't too bad !! the next one will be longer ( & spoiler alert :: a lot more heartbreaking ) so stay tuned !!

thank you for anyone who is reading this and leaving comments it really means a lot x

also im so?? sick?? its?? unreal??

anyway i hope u guys are doing good & get 8 hrs of sleep today bc u deserve it