a change of heart // phan

four

i won't let these little things slip out of my mouth

i can feel my cheeks inflaming, the kerosene leaking from my eyes only adds to the blazing fire that is building so slow. slowly cracking up my skin, slowly travelling down my neck and burning the freshly grown orchids, slowly approaching my chest and torturing my already broken heart, trying to turn it into mere ashes so i don't have to feel the pain.

the fire is azure from sadness, vermillion from anger and bright yellow from all the confusion that comes from the spontaneity of phil's decision. it creates fresh wounds of helplessness across my arms and burns a hole gently through my chest to find a place of comfort, a place where it can peacefully burn out but unfortunately, my blood is slowly turning to spirit.

it's pathetic how selfish i am for feeling this way, for letting this fire enter my veins and make me feel bad for myself. a raging hatred for my own self makes the fire hiss and burn brighter, and i run my cold, cold hands along my arms in hopes of calming the calamity that is inside my body.

i love him so much.

i'm still trying to put the fire out when he walks in, the watery blue of his eyes makes the flames cave in and simmer, and i press my back further into the wall to support the supernova of unnecessary feelings that erupt within me each time he steps closer. my icy fingertips soak up the melting sorrow of his departure on my cheeks, and even though i'm not looking at myself i can still feel the bruising pink of embarrassment and anger stain them.

"please don't cry," he says as he plans on ripping my entire heart out of my chest by ending things like this. i don't say anything, i don't really know what to. i look away from him and let the fire consume me again because the pain of this self hatred and broken heartedness is way less than looking at him and realising that he doesn't love me anymore.

"please go,"

"i can't leave you like this,"

"you are though aren't you?"

"dan," his cotton candy mouth will drip out sweet lies that taste comforting on my tongue, and even though i am aware of the fact, aware of the false sugar rush he will bring, my ears still crave the sweetness. i wait for it to come, sour candy disguised into honeydew spews from his mouth and the burn is harsher this time.

"you have to understand that what i am doing is not because i don't love you because i do, i always will, but i need this for myself, i need to figure shit out," and there he goes, acid rain pours over all the fire in my veins, flooding them mercilessly but also numbing the pain. when my veins over-flood the moisture dares to leak out of my eyes, and when his pale hands touch my inflamed skin the dam breaks, drops and drops and drops fall on his pretty pretty skin and his pink lips frown.

"dan,"

"sorry, i just, i am not going to pretend that you leaving me is not hurting me but i'm trying my best, you know i am," he pulls me closer, the flush of our skins—milk and caramel—makes me put my thoughts to sleep.

when his long fingers trace paths through the curly forest atop my head, i allow myself to bury my face into his chest, and the constellations of freckles on the pale skin welcome me along with his scent. i cherish the feeling of his strong arms around my back, the feeling of his hot breath paving its way through my hair every three seconds and the way my weak heart tries to keep its pace along with his.

"i won't be gone for long," he promises me and even though my brain tells me it's a lie, just another promise to break, every fibre in my body and my weak weak heart beg to differ.

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tell me how you like it so far and if i should continue this book !!

i mean i am pretty enthusiastic about the idea i just don't have enough time to write it but i hope you don't mind the slow updates eek

love u guys ! hope u have a great day