a change of heart // phan

five

and i can't find the words to say before you leave me today

the luggage floods with clothes and my mind with chaos as i will my shaking fingers to grab another piece of fabric that is traced with his scent. i feel the sight of him in my shirt burn in the back of my brain, the way his hips move to the music lazily in the morning and the way the glow of the sun filters through his tangled hair. the picture burns brighter once i hear the coffee pot start in the kitchen, flames and flames and flames—it's all smoke and his raspberry redolence.

it's taking me everything—the lump under my throat, the tears in my eyes, the heat under my skin, parts of his broken heart—why is it so hard to leave him?

i know i can't be with him anymore, it's not physically possible for me to wake up to his dull eyes and his duller personality, i can't bear the sight of his lips forming my name, i can't hear the words he vomits, the acid he spits—i just can't look at him like i used to.

yet my heart stumbles, stutters and downright stops when the realisation of leaving him settles in. it's like the first time i moved out from my parents' house—i wanted to, god knows i wanted to be anywhere rather than the sour blue wallpapers and overgrown grass and the tired look on my mother's face in the mornings—but it was so hard to leave behind the taste of her home-cooked food, the reassuring hand on my shoulder, the comforting smiles and christmas holidays and all the times she had laughed so loud it made my chest swell with affection.

i want to leave him as well, his annoying voice when he pesters me, the suffocation of his lips on mine, the disgust of his hands on my body, the repeated routines and forced smiles behind cameras—but i can't leave behind the dimples in his smile, the gentleness of his voice when he wakes up in the morning, the way his curled hair falls effortlessly down his forehead and the way his heart and mine beat at the same pace. i can't leave behind the way he laughs when he finds something funny, his eyes squinting shut as the rawest laugh leaves his lips. i can't leave behind the way his mouth falls open when my lips press against his neck, the way his fingers wind in my hair and pull so tight and the way he makes pretty sounds in the back of his throat.

i can't leave behind the way he loves me and i loved him.

and the tears that fall from my eyes are completely pathetic—the rotting love leaks out of my heart and burns my cheeks painfully, the tart liquid travelling down my neck and soaking into the collar of my shirt.

my blurred vision startles once a steaming mug of coffee is in sight, and i look up, watching as dan holds his own mug close to his stomach and keeps his heavy eyes trained on the floor as he hands me mine. as soon as i take the utensil, he begins backing away, rushing quicker than sand out of my room and i place my mug down before chasing after him, gripping his wrist and turning him around.

he flinches, his cheeks flushed and his eyes shut tighter than his fingers are gripping the mug, and i sigh, bringing my hands to his face and smoothing out the creases in his temples, bringing his face closer to mine and pressing my forehead against his. i can feel his breathing quicken under my fingertips, his throat moving with all the hesitation he has to gulp down, his body stiff with trepidation.

"dan?"

he hums broken heartedly.

"i'm so sorry,"

and then i allow myself to taste the bitterness of his mouth one last time.

--

hey !!

sorry its been a while since i've updated but kraaacck its breaking my heart, writing this

i hope it wasn't too shitty?? smh

please vote!! and let me know what you think about it :)

stay hydrated m'lads