Dear Evan Hansen, It's Connor Murphy~

[17]

I had to slow down, eventually stopping, wheezing and coughing as a result of pushing myself to keep running in order to find Connor. I had completely lost track of him. The daylight had faded into the beginnings of night and had taken any warmth with it, though due to the fatigue from running I still felt quite warm. The world fell silent as I desperately whipped my head around looking for a hint towards where Connor had fled, the only noise that I could hear being my own heavy panting. 

Reluctantly, I turned to head home. I had left my phone there, and would be able to ring, or at the very least message him. The coldness eventually greeted me and forced goosebumps to rise from my flesh, though I quite liked the sharp sting of the air at this moment. It somewhat distracted me from the aching pain in my chest as a result of regret, worry, and various other emotions that all accumulated together as a need to be able to see Connor's face. 

I stepped into my home, the place eerily quiet despite my mother's care being parked outside. The silence allowed me to think about where this situation was heading, what could happen to Connor, what could happen to our relationship. I shook my head, gravely wishing for these thoughts to vacate my head as I wandered up to my room to retrieve my phone.

"Evan," My Mother murmured, glancing up at me with what appeared to be the original letter I had written to myself in her hand. "Where...where have you been?" I froze in the doorway, knowing she had read my letter venting to myself how much I was previously hurting, but still only wishing to get in contact with Connor. 

"I was with Connor," I managed, trying my hardest not to cry. "I know I've just come back...but I need to go again..."

The blonde arose from my mattress, taking my hands from the sides they resided against, placing the now neatly folded paper into them. "This letter...I didn't know this was how you felt..."

"Sorry I lied and never told you."

"You shouldn't have needed to tell me, Evan. I'm your mother...I should know..." Mom wrapped her warm hands around my face, glancing at me. Her own eyes examined the surface area of my face taking in all of the details, while I watched more worry sweep over her expression. "What's the matter Evan? Your eyes look watery..." Her voice was desperate, as if trying to make up for not being around to be able to notice my behaviour in the past by making sure I was fine now. 

"I just...I just need my phone..." I discreetly tried to struggle free but proved unsuccessful. Lying to her about what was happening would only result in suspicion and further questions, withholding me from seeing Connor for even longer. I needed to be truthful about what was happening. "Connor read some of my l-letters...and I've upset him...please, Mom...I just need my phone and leave..."

"How did they upset him?"

"I mentioned something I shouldn't have...it's complicated...please, I need to find him..." Reluctantly, she nodded and stepped to the side allowing me to access my phone. I hugged her briefly on the way out before typing out a message in our chat thread. Once again, I greeted the outdoors and began searching for my boyfriend. Or at least, my boyfriend at the moment. 

My phone vibrated against my leg, signalling that my message had been read, but not responded to. At least this told me he was safe, and had not acted carelessly in his rage. I continued to wander around the now practically empty park, hope of being able to talk to him today disappearing along with any daylight. I turned, my eyes finally locating him, stood hunched over a railing between him and a small pond. Slowly, I walked over, gawking out at the body of water by the fence, with a distance between us. Bugs fluttered just above the surface of the liquid, the air from their beating wings causing ripples to form.

"You should put a jacket on," He murmured, his voice barely audible despite how quiet it was. "You've got goosebumps." I turned my attention away from the pond and looked at the taller boy, a confused expression across my face. 

Taking a step back, I turned my whole body towards Connor. "The letters...I...."

"Why did you keep writing them?" He said abruptly, not so much as glancing at me. I didn't blame him. 

"I stopped when we started hanging out outside of school..." I responded. "It wasn't until we were together more regularly that I started to feel more...confident...so I felt I still needed to write them. I didn't think about it much and just wrote down whatever came to mind..."

"Like you were talking to 'Zoe's brother' and how you could learn some more things about her?"

"It was dumb to write that...I shouldn't have been thinking that way...but it's not like that anymore and hasn't been for a while..." I felt my voice begin to raise as my heart beat faster, ready to express fully how I felt to convince the Connor to forgive me. "I'm so sorry, Connor. I truly want to be with you and no one else...you mean everything to me, and maybe I wouldn't have made it to next summer if it wasn't for you coming into my life. I...love you, so...so much...I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to forgive me...but..." Connor slowly manoeuvred closer to me, cutting me off mid-sentence by connecting our lips. Eventually, he pulled his head away, transforming our kiss into a tight hug. 

"We were bound to have little fight sooner or later," He mumbled, his head resting on my shoulder. "I guess I may have overreacted...I just kind of jumped to the conclusion that maybe...you still thought of me as just 'Zoe's brother'. I'm sorry about...doubting you and stuff." I moved slightly so I was able to press my forehead against the others.

"I probably would have thought the same if I was in your position...I'm glad that...you're not overly mad at me..." I managed a wobbly smile, still somewhat filled with adrenaline. 

"I don't think I could've stayed mad at you for long anyway," he chuckled, kissing me once again. "Oh...and, I didn't respond to you before but I love you too, Evan."