A Sense of Guilt ✔

Chapter 15

Joe was desperately trying to process his last conversation with Shannon. The Shannon he knew loved kids, he couldn't imagine her aborting her baby. But she had, and he was incredulous. He reminded himself that maybe he didn't know her quite as well as he thought he did. Obviously, she'd changed over the past five years or so, but still, he couldn't imagine her doing that. This should be a wake-up call, he should walk away while he still could and get on with his wedding plans, and yet here he was waiting for her.

'Hi Joey,' she said tapping him on the shoulder and looking up at him through long eyelashes. Seeing her face so open, he felt a rush of shame, he had no clue what she'd been through.

'Hey, I was beginning to think you'd stood me up,' he said smiling. Inwardly he cringed, he'd made it sound like a date.

'I'm not late,' she protested. 'I'm right on time.'

He took her arm, leading her to a table. 'No it's me, I'm being dumb,' he said at a loss as to what to say. 'So how's your mom?'

A shadow crossed Shannon's face. 'She's fine, back to normal all things considered.' She glanced down briefly. 'It'll always be there though, in the background, the worry that the cancer could return.'

He placed his hand over hers. 'You have to try not to think like that,' he said and she nodded but gently pulled her hand away. Joe sat back wracking his brain for a safe topic of conversation. There were a million things he wanted to ask Shannon but all of his questions were far too intrusive. 'Shannon?'

Her eyes met his. 'I guess you've been wondering how I could murder my baby,' she said shocking him.

'Of course not! I know you wouldn't do that.'

She held his gaze. 'But I did, I ended the pregnancy,' she said her voice trembling.

He shifted uncomfortably. 'I'm sure you didn't do it lightly.'

She looked away from him biting her lip. 'Don't think I don't regret it because I do. I want to have a baby, I wanted my baby...'

'Shannon,' Joe said grabbing her hand again. He didn't know what to say because instinctively he didn't approve of abortion, and yet he knew she must have had a damned good reason to do it. He felt like such a hypocrite.

Shannon took a couple of deep breaths regaining her composure. 'Logically I think it was the right thing to do or the sensible thing but I can't help wishing it could have turned out differently.'

'I know that feeling,' he said watching her twist a strand of hair around her finger. 'You aren't the only one with regrets.'

Her finger froze mid-air. 'What do you mean?'

'You and me, I wish it had turned out differently. What we had was like nothing else,' he admitted.

'But you're happy now?' she asked avoiding his gaze.

'I guess I am.' But he wondered who he was trying to convince. 'It's not like what we were though.'

Shannon smiled softly. 'We were young, if we'd stayed together things would have changed anyway.'

'Yeah maybe.' However, there was something from his early relationship with Shannon that was missing from his relationship with Kat.

Shannon let out a weary sigh. 'Of course, things would have changed, we'd have got old and boring.'

'It might have got better,' Joe suggested, and Shannon inhaled sharply.

'Joey can you please stop talking like this,' she said her voice rising. 'You're happy, you're getting married. I'm single and pretty down on myself right now, I don't need to hear it.'