1962 ── lily evans

SEVENTEEN

SEVENTEEN

TIME SEEMED to pass painfully slowly as Lennon trained her eyes to the sickeningly sweet sight of Lily and James. They were embarrassingly close, the ginger's legs draped lazily over James' lap and her head resting delicately on his shoulder so they could sneak not-so-subtle kisses whenever possible. Lennon's heartbeat sped up at the sight, an unnecessary rage rushing through her. She wished she could just be happy for her friend, but the idea of that seemed less and less likely with each passing day.

"Len? You okay?"

A sharp whisper weaved its way into her ear, and she darted round to nod at Sirius. His concern was concealed in a way that only she would notice, and he reached over to squeeze her knee sympathetically. He could tell the affection was getting to her, but his comforts seemed to thankfully go unnoticed by the rest of the group.

Perfect timing seemed to be one of Sirius' skills. No sooner had he snapped her out of her jealous daydream, Remus arrived back at the table with Peter in tow, a full round of drinks cradled between them. They passed the glasses out around the table, and satisfied, the groups held their drinks out with intentions of a cheerful toast.

"To Lennon. We're glad to have you back, kid," Sirius cheered, raising his pint of beer skywards as he nudged Lennon, who sat on his left, her face burning with embarrassment.

"To Lennon!"

A chorus of celebration rang out around the booth, drowning out Lennon's complaint that she was "not a kid, Sirius!" She glanced briefly in James' direction, confirming immediately that he was evidently unfazed if she was there or not. In fact, he hadn't bothered to raise his glass at all, and selfishly, she felt her blood boiling at his half-hearted addition to the toast. What a prick, she thought silently, deciding that was a notion best saved for herself.

Sirius wrapped an arm warmly around her shoulder, reaching a hand up to ruffle Lennon's ruler-straight hair. She shoved him playfully, sweeping her hair back behind her ear as she protested with a whine of complaint. His amusement didn't seem to subside, however, and she gave up on the endeavour, sipping instead at her pint, the taste of which she had become quite accustomed to by now. As she placed the glass back onto the table, her eyes flickered up in perfect time to catch James and Lily locking lips across the table. The sight alone made her choke on her drink, and she stood briskly to excuse herself.

"I'll be right back. Just going to the toilet," she mumbled, sliding past Peter as she rushed towards the bathrooms. She narrowly avoided sliding clumsily across the spilt beer that coated the floor, a caution to even the most sober attendee at the bar.

Lennon nudged the bathroom door open, heading to the sink where she brushed her hair behind her ears, splashing her face generously with cold water. Knock yourself out of it, Lennon! You're being stupid! She blinked back the red hot tears that threatened to spill past her eyelashes, swiping furiously at her eyes as she inhaled deeply, praying desperately to erase those fucking images of the dreaded couple that couldn't get enough of each other if they tried.

Why did she have to like girls? It wasn't as if she had ever felt that way before. She'd always liked boys, as far as she could tell, liked the way they kissed her and gave her their jackets when she was cold. But the more she considered it, their tongues had felt foreign in her mouth, and their coats were always too heavy and uncomfortable draped over her shoulders. Perhaps, in hindsight, her attraction was more forced than physical.

She only realised that her bathroom break had taken longer than anticipated when a brisk knock sounded against the door. Eyes wide, she stared at herself in the mirror, hoping she'd have enough time to fix any signs of her distress.

"You okay in there, Len? We're getting worried."

It was the undeniably deep voice that belonged to Sirius Black. A sigh of relief flew past her lips, having previously believed it was Lily who was checking on her, and Lennon quickly opened the door, pulling Sirius by the sleeve into the tiled women's bathroom. His protests that he would, in fact, look beyond perverted inside the ladies' room fell on deaf ears, and instead, Lennon hushed him desperately as she tried to calm herself.

"I can't see them together, Sirius. I thought I could, but every little thing just gets to me," she informed him quietly.

She sighed, frustration niggling away at her as her eyebrows knitted together, searching for a loophole.

"D'you want to go back to ours now? I'll take you back, say you don't feel good or something," Sirius insisted, eyeing her uncomfortably from the other side of the bathroom.

"It's too suspicious. Lily will know something's up, I reckon." She chewed at her lip, her mind swirling with possibilities as she assessed the situation. More than ever, she wished that the ground would swallow her whole, ensuring that she'd cease to exist in the world that seemed against her.

"Oh, fuck Lily and her rubbish suspicions, Len," Sirius groaned, crossing the room in two large strides before delving his hand into hers. "I'm taking you home. Wait outside and I'll get Remus."

"My beer," she began, but was swiftly cut off before she could try to reason with him.

"Peter will smash it, Len, you know that. You're not sitting here working yourself into a fucking state over those knobheads," Sirius demanded, and she nodded lowly, giving in before he could work himself up any further.

Sirius wasted no time in steering Lennon towards the exit as she feigned a sickness she most certainly did not have. The only sick she felt was when she glanced over towards James and Lily and saw them passionately snogging, much to Remus and Peter's disgust. It was then that she really did rush outside, choking back a sob so the others wouldn't see her, the pathetic mess crying over a girl.

She waited outside, leant against the brick wall as the cold night air danced through her hair. Sirius was still inside fetching Remus, and as they left the table, Peter did too, although not in an effort to accompany them home. Rather, he couldn't quite stomach the thought of third-wheeling all night, and instead, was on his own hunt for a one-night-stand.

Remus enveloped her immediately in a hug, and she tucked her face against his chest, bawling into his jumper and leaving damp tear-stains against the light cotton. The two men shared a look, the worry evident on both their faces. Sirius, in particular, felt his chest ache with the inability to help, and having decided this was quite enough, he piped up.

"C'mon, Len. Let's get you home. I think you need some rest, love," Sirius offered, draping his arm over her shoulder as they began to walk. He pulled her closer by instinct, feeling some sort of brotherly responsibility to keep her safe.

It seemed her confusion - her heartache even - was finally getting the better of her. Numb with emotion, mind blank from overthinking, she stumbled home, simply ready to be engulfed in the monochromatic kindness of sleep.