Moving on (a PLL fanfiction)

Chapter Nine

Spencer's P.O.V

So today I'm meeting the girls for a kind of goodbye gathering for my breasts. Yes, you read that right. I know it's insensitive, but it's how I'm kind of coping with it. I guess humour is subjective. I Still stand by that today after telling that to Mellisa all those years back. Ive decided to get them both removed. I'd rather completely eliminate the risk of the cancer ever coming back, than keeping my breasts and having that slight chance. We all know how unlucky I am, so that slight chance for me is a huge chance. Experiencing this has taken a toll on my emotions so I don't think I could go through it again.

Toby's been so supportive through it all. In fact he's been a little too supportive, he hasn't left my side. But I'm not complaining. He's got a pretty face.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't overwhelmed by this whole experience. I mean you automatically hear the "c" word and think the worst. I think my heart sank right into my stomach when I found out. It literally makes your life flash before your eyes. You begin to think about all of the things in early life life you did, or could of done. The opportunities you missed because you "couldn't be bothered" or "had a headache". This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to mess up whenever you like. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. I wish I could go back and change a few moments of my life. But these moments have made me who I am. It's mad that at such a young age I'm losing my breasts. Like they have just always been there. What will it be like when I'm gone? Will Toby still look at me the same. It's easy enough to say he will. But what about when it actually happens. I'm going to look physically different. I'm trying my best to accept it, I keep telling myself that it's just a unique part of me.

"What are you thinking about Spence?" Toby asks

"What do you mean?" I reply

"Look I've known you long enough to tell when you are deep in thought. I also know when you try to shut me out. Please don't. So what are you thinking about? You can be your own worst enemy when you over think." Toby says, you can notably hear the concern in his voice.

"Will you still love me when I lose my breasts? Will you still look at me in the same way you did before. Will you still find me attractive." I blurt out, instantly regretting it afterwards.

"When I look at you, one million lights switch on in my brain and my body goes all warm. You are beautiful; not just on the outside but on the inside. You are so pure hearted, kind to who you meet, with just the perfect amount of sass. And when you get your breasts removed. How could I not look at you in the same way? You're still going to be the Spencer Hastings I know. The pure and beautiful Spencer Hastings I know. The only thing that will be different is that you'll be Spencer Hastings without breasts. I know I can love her just as much, if not more, than the Spencer Hastings with breasts" he says

It makes me feel somewhat better. But I can't remove that feeling from my mind. What if I don't love myself? What if I feel differently towards myself after the procedure? I've never been the most confident or in love with my body but I don't hate it? I don't know if I could cope with living in this body whilst hating myself. The doctors say it's routine to feel self conscious after the procedure but after you get used to it, you see the beauty of it. What if I can't get used to it. Again, I just need to keep telling myself, that yes, things will be different, but it's okay to be different.

"You're beautiful" Toby says pushing strands of my hair to the other side and kissing my neck.

"I'm not" I blush. It's true. I'm not.